Warshak.com offers advice for parents at the Divorce Poison Control Center. Many of these tips come directly from parents. Others are the result of what clients and readers of my books have taught me.
Recently an alienated mother sent a tip that would make a good contribution to the DP Control Center. Rather than wait until I got around to updating that page on my website, I decided that I could place it on Plutoverse, and use that to launch a self-help section.
My intent is for parents to place their suggestions as comments to this blog post. If enough parents contribute, this could be come a valuable resource for parents struggling with the sad and difficult situations I write about in Divorce Poison. I suggest that new tips be placed as direct comments to the article (at the bottom of the page), and that comments about someone else’s tip be posted as a reply to that poster’s comment.
Here is the note that stimulated the creation of this section of Plutoverse. I am pleased to have it launch this resource and I hope other parents feel free to add their contributions.
“I am just in the process of writing cards to my daughters, and it occurred to me to share this tip with other parents. Perhaps you’d like to use it somewhere or post it on your blog?
“If your children return your cards and letters unopened, with a ‘return to sender’ note written on the envelope, stop writing your name and address on the back of the envelope. Simply write ‘From Mum/Dad’ or From Mum/Dad, with love.’ This means the children would have to invest some effort and, potentially, postage in returning the letter, and are less likely to do so. Even if they then do not open and read your letters, they may still keep them as reminders that you care.
“This is working for me.”
I have a couple of tips; I will post them separately, in case someone wants to comment. I hope they help:
Tip no. 1: If you cannot be sure that your children are receiving your letters and gifts, take digital photos of everything you have written, and every gift you are going to send. (You could even photograph text messages if you cannot rely on your phone memory.) If your children ever come to you in the future and claim you have never tried to contact them, you can show them the digital archive, and they can read what you wrote and see what you sent them. (Remember to back up your files!) Include the date either on the letters themselves or in the file name. This is also useful in court if you are accused of not making an effort to maintain your relationship with your child. Without proof, it is your child/ren and ex’s word against yours, and you are outnumbered.
My children are evidently receiving my cards and gifts and have now stopped returning them, but for a while I had to keep a record for the court. I found that the downside of doing this is that there is something very tiring about taking photos of everything you send. Every card you write reminds you that your children are alienated and you are not seeing them; somehow, taking photos on top of that seems to make the experience more intense – for me, at least. It really reinforced the abnormality of the situation. However, keeping an archive is probably worth it in the long-term, depending on the circumstances.
Also, when I started sending cards to my children, I mentioned it in emails and text messages, too, that I had posted something to them. This was to decrease the chance of anything getting “lost”. (Clearly they are receiving everything, so that is no longer necessary.)
I am texting her a couple of times a week. I know she shows her father…he actually called this week and yelled at DD#2 that does want to live with us about my text to other daughter…anyway..she won’t return calls and has unfriended me and all my family on her Facebook page…I too think pictures and the like will be a great way to catalog attempts…in the past when DD#1 did live with us…anything sent while on summer visitation with father…was brought back to our house…where at our house all things sent to her from him…stayed here…more pictures…etc….
How heart-breaking! Hang in there, and keep contact no matter what. Somewhere in your daughter’s mind, it registers, even if she shows everything to her dad, and he puts his spin on everything you write or say. My daughters still live with my ex after almost three years of alienation, but I have seen definite improvements, from them refusing any contact with me at all and all kinds of rejection (“I’m old enough now – I don’t need a mother anymore”; “You gave birth to me, but you are not a real mother”; etc.) to now seeing them about once a week (if I am lucky). However, when they do come to see me, they are cheerful and a lot more at ease. I put this down to following Dr Warshak’s advice, and not giving up, no matter how hurt I am. And some days I do feel like giving up and telling my daughters that I have had enough, that I cannot take anymore, and that they can finally have what they wanted, which is to live with their dad and for me to leave them alone. Except, of course, I know that this is not really true. This is the poison their dad has injected into them; it is a lie, and I have to remind myself not to fall for it. So I continue to work at it. I am also lucky to have a very good support network – friends that are there for me night and day, if i need them. Make sure you look after yourself and do not get dragged down by the sadness. Trust that with persistence, things will improve eventually. Good luck!
Tip no. 2: Going through parental alienation is emotionally and physically exhausting (I imagine that’s the point). As wrong or selfish as it may seem to you, take time out from pouring all your energy into getting your child/ren back, or you will have no energy left. Some good advice I have received from a friend is to spend the extra time I now have on looking after myself. So I would like to suggest that for your own sake AND your children’s, regularly do something you enjoy. It can only be good for your children to see you well and functioning, and therefore you should not feel guilty about it.
A movie that I purchased for my 4-year old grandson is Finding Nemo. It is the story of a young fish (Nemo) who becomes separated from his father. The movie tells of the lengths Nemo’s father goes to in order to find his son and reunite with him.
I am a person who has always tried to apply what I hear, learn…. Two days in a row I listened to presentations from Rachel’s Challenge, the tragic story of Rachel Scott, who was murdered at Columbine High School. Although the presentation was sad, it is meant to be inspirational. Dave, the presenter, talked about acts of kindness and proactive things anyone could do to make this world a better place based on the writings and past actions of Rachel Scott. Of course my wheels started turning towards a topic I advocate for, which is educating as many people as I can about parental alienation. After the presentation I approached Dave and told him two things he spoke of that struck a chord with me. Those two things were “positive gossiping” and the tootsie pop. Dave’s presentation included a story about positive gossiping as follows.
There were two men who were distant, angry with each other. A third man took it upon himself to begin gossiping in a good way to bring forth reunification. He would go to one man and say, “Hey ___, guess what ___ said about you.” Immediately the man became defensive but then the man went on to say, “He said that he thought the speech you gave the other day was wonderful.” The man pretended not to care, but his mood slightly changed. The gossip man went back and forth between these two men until eventually they became best of friends….. Naturally we would all like to hear that someone was talking us up. Our children are no different. It is important that we find caring individuals that are willing to share positive gossip with our alienated children to break down the shell around their heart, and that is where the tootsie pop comes in.
You have to keep licking a tootsie pop before you get to the center, the heart. If you bite it, it does not last as long and this action is too abrupt. Our children’s hearts are like tootsie pops. Sadly, our children have been encouraged to build a wall, or shell, around their hearts, to protect them from us, the rejected parents. The construction of that shell has included the constant and intense denigration they hear from the other parent about us, as well as the covert and overt messages the alienating parent and their family send. Psychologically it feels safer to remain in that shell. They do not know how to deal with what has been done to them, they are either unaware of truth or choose to deny. If they do choose to make a move towards the rejected parent they are left with feelings of guilt for being disloyal to the alienators.
What is the answer? Find positive gossipers. Educate as many people as you can. Send everyone you know, including schools, counselors, judges, links to YouTubes about parental alienation (PA), peer reviewed articles, brochures…. Write letters to the editor, to talk shows and more and pray that your child can break free from that bondage inflicted on them. Pray they break out of that shell and are able to grow big hearts, to love themselves and to love others.
Here is a tip I received from a friend, and I am glad I followed her advice: Even if you have no or little contact with your children, and they have taken all or most of their belongings to their other parent’s home, be prepared in case they spontaneously decide to turn up or even stay overnight (assuming they still live relatively close by). Make sure you have pyjamas, underwear, toothbrush and -paste (and sanitary pads and tampons on the toilet, if you have teenaged girls. Those are easy to forget if you are a dad.) This will make it so much easier for them to stay, as they will not feel compelled to use the excuse that they do not have pyjamas, etc.
Both of my teenaged daughters, after two and a half years from hell, many months of no contact whatsoever, and a handful of tentative visits following that, have recently decided – separately – to spontaneously stay overnight with me when I casually suggested it. I found the more casual the suggestion, the more likely they were to agree to it. (I should say that I am at a point where my children are older and the family court in my country will not be supportive because of that. No parenting order will be enforced at this point.) On those occasions, they had come to see me separately. I imagine it is more difficult to achieve that kind of progress when they are together. When they had come for lunch, I mentioned in the passing that they were welcome to stay for dinner, and once they had decided they were staying for dinner, I once again very casually mentioned that they would be very welcome to stay overnight. In one instance, I invited one of my daughters to stay overnight just as I left the room to take out the trash. I did not wait to receive a reply from her, and she said nothing when I came back in, but when she was still at my place at 8.30pm, I said that she should let her dad know she was staying. She said “I have already done it!” and that was that.
I think both of my daughters appreciated having new pyjamas already waiting for them, as they had taken everything away when they rejected me and moved out permanently. (“New” does not have to be brand-new if you are strapped for cash, by the way. Check out second-hand clothing stores; you can find some amazing bargains and good quality clothes there.) I am convinced that anything thoughtful you do will register with them on some level, so it cannot do any harm to, say, have their favourite cookies in your pantry, just in case they ever turn up. You could see this as setting yourself up for disappointment again and again, and that is true, of course. That is sadly in the nature and a point of parental alienation. On the other hand, it helps to be determined to be hopeful – in spite of your ex’s determination to make your life miserable. Furthermore, you are continuing to be an active parent even in the absence of your children as you do and prepare things for them. I feel that I am addressing a very primal need as a parent in this way – which has been deeply violated by parental alienation – and it made me feel good to get things ready, even though I did not know whether or when I would see them again.
Also, I found it really helpful to realise that “nothing to lose” can actually be an incredibly strong position. It means you keep giving things a go. You have already lost your children. They already think the worst of you. It cannot really get much worse than that. So you might as well keep trying.
Did you get your daughters back?
I see them more often now – from not seeing or hearing from them at all for most of the year and more alienation and estrangement before that – and they are no longer hostile when they see me now. There are lots of signs that they are making good progress, are starting to think for themselves, are more accepting of me, and are reclaiming those parts of themselves that they had completely rejected. They are also finding ways to acknowledge all the things I have done for them while they were rejecting me and not communicating. However, I am far from counting my chickens, and there are equally still signs that they are still alienated on some deep level. I am working on it. Small steps.
What is annoying are those – thankfully very few – friends and family who say “See, told you they would get it by themselves eventually” or “See what happens when they are no longer forced (through courts)!” The fact is that those times when my daughters were court-directed to see me, their behaviour was fine and much more relaxed, in contrast to those times when they came without a court order. On those occasions, they were hostile, obviously sent to push their father’s agenda, and made a point of treating me with contempt and showing me, each other and everybody else that they were miserable, and that they blamed me for it. This is of course the opposite of the argument often made in court rooms – including in our case – that alienated teens would be just fine, or fine eventually, if only the rejected parent would stop “demanding a relationship”. This argument also conveniently overlooks the fact that the rejection was the reason a parent had to go to court, not the other way round (as Dr Warshak also points out in *Divorce Poison*).
In any case, to those who have said “I told you so” I have pointed out that it was not at all a case of the children simply “getting it” by themselves, but that it took a lot of hard, emotionally exhausting work, strategising, and persistence to get to this point, and that had I done nothing, it would be unlikely our relationship would be making progress right now, or that I would even have any contact with my daughters yet. I doubt that those people understand it, though. Who knows, perhaps they even feel a little ashamed that they had previously suggested I counter-reject my children or take a hands-off approach, but now they are trying to make it sound as if their advice was correct, when nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, I know I did the right thing by not giving up and not counter-rejecting, and going to court when I needed to, even though I cannot say that the court itself has been helpful at all. Moreover, I am so glad I came across Dr Warshak’s book *Divorce Poison* and followed its advice when I did! Even if my daughters’ alienation got worse again for some reason, at the very least I know that I have done the right thing to the best of my ability and knowledge. I cannot control what others do, but I can feel good about how I have dealt and am dealing with the situation.
Hi Janta,
I was alienated at 18! I just went along with the hate my mother spewed toward our father. Of course he deserved it, I thought. It took me years to figure it out and I never really understood it until I read DIVORCE POISON. That was when I knew that I should never have been taught to hate my other parent!
I agree with having court orders so that it takes the decision away from the children and the parents as to when they should see the parent. If you give that decision to the child, the child will make a decision based on survival, choosing the safest path and how to not upset the alienator.
I agree that the alienated parent should continue to demand a relationship! The child needs both parents.
I agree with you that no matter the age, they may never figure it out. Although I have hopes that all kids will, but having several siblings that have not figured it out yet and it has been 30, yes, 30 years, maybe my father will pass before they figure it out, maybe never. I think it depends on their experiences and if they happen to come across something that opens their mind.
Thank you Dr. Warshak for a great place to share and learn!
I wish you all well.
Hi Alienated at 18
Thank you so much for your reply! I think it is really important and helpful to hear from children who have been there, and get an insight into how they felt and thought. Parental alienation is an ugly mind-game, and as an alienated parent I am constantly wondering what goes on inside my children’s heads, and whether I am managing to leave any kind of impression on their minds that might undo the brainwashing they have undergone. Your comment reassures me that I am on the right course, and for that I am grateful.
Also, your comment may well help someone else in your situation to understand what they are going through. Alienated children do not listen to their rejected parents or any adults who try to get through to them. However, they may listen to other children (no matter what age) who have been in the same headspace. I wish you and your family all the best for the future!
Another tip: Is your ex showing court papers and affidavits to your children?
Then make a note of it in your affidavits. I included a comment “I am gravely concerned that [the father] will show this application to [our daughters] and thus effect further alienation and isolation from me.” I gave some examples where I could prove that he had done so. However, even if you cannot, you could include a comment that you have reason for concern that your children are reading your affidavits, and that you are worried this may be used to alienated them further from you. If indeed they are reading your affidavits, it means that they know that you think it is not ok. It also sends a clear message to your ex in the forum of the court. In my case, I believe it may have stopped my ex showing my affidavits to our daughters, as that time round they did not appear to know any details of my court applications. (Previously, they would confront me with things I had included.)
Here is a suggestion: Is your ex breaching parenting orders, telling your child it is their choice to see you, and has perhaps even a judge told your child that they will not be forced to adhere to the parenting oder?
Then make it transparent in your application for the breach of the parenting order. I included one sentence, in a separately numbered paragraph of its own: “It is my understanding that Court Orders are not optional.”
For reasons too long to explain here, the application did not go ahead, so I do not know what a judge would have said in response. The statement was of course overtly in response to my ex’s breach of the order and his protestations that our children were under no obligation to follow the stipulations. However, because it was there in black and white, plain and simple, and listed as a separate point, the judge would have had to comment. My thinking was that either the judge would have had to agree with my statement and confirm that both the father and the children are expected to adhere to the order, or the judge would have had to explain that my statement is incorrect, effecively saying that the court has made an order that is not expected to be taken seriously. The latter makes a mockery of the system, of course, but because of lack of enforcement, and apparently a lack of the will to enforce parenting orders, this seems to be all too often the reality of the situation. I hoped this would address the inconsistencies in the system without directly pointing fingers at judges (because they do not like that, and it is unwise to attempt it), but which would render both the other parent and the judiciary system accountable nonetheless.
I would love to hear if anyone has tried this, and if so, what the reaction was. I would also like to hear what others think about this. I hoped my statement would make this particular shortfall of the system very transparent without being confrontational.
A US family court has no personal jurisdiction over a child: the child in a custody case is not among the parties, which consist only of the parents and any legal guardians which the court may have appointed, and accordingly cannot be ordered to do anything by the court.
As juveniles children have no standing in general in civil cases: the court can only order adults to be responsible for them in legally specified ways.
However it’s true that custody orders are often treated as compliance optional, for certain parents: in principle an aggrieved parent can file an affidavit of contempt, but the court usually responds by modifying the order to make it consonant with the non-compliance.
I assume, though, that in theory at least, penalties would apply to a parent who breaches the parenting order in the US? An alienated child would not want the favoured parent to be punished.
Here, it is a criminal offence (for the parent) to breach a parenting order – on paper, at least. Penalties include fines and jail time up to three months. Before that happens, however, the court can take the following steps:
- admonishing the parent
- changing the order (such as significantly reducing the favoured parent’s time with the child)
- requiring the parent in breach to pay a bond, which they would lose if they continued to disobey they order
- order the offending parent to pay compensation to the other parent, if that parent had to spend money because of the breach (like paying for travel tickets)
- and finally, enforcing care or contact: if one person is preventing the other from having day-to-day care or contact with the children as provided in the parenting order, the Court can order the Police or a social worker to pick up the children and deliver them to the other person.
Instead of children being told that “no-one will force you to do anything”, perhaps the children should be made aware in no uncertain terms that if the order is not followed, there will be consequences for the favoured parent. As I say, I do not think they would want the favoured parent to be punished, and, in any case, alienated children often look for a face-saving excuse to see the other parent. This would be a perfect one.
On another note, it would be really helpful if courts and lawyers stopped telling children “no one will FORCE you to see your mum/dad”. This becomes a mantra that constantly reinforces the message to the child that seeing the other parent must be so horrible that they would have to be forced. I have heard a lawyer for child say “We cannot chain her to the bed”. What is with these absurd horror-scenarios? The child is required to see a loving parent, not physically coerced to enter the lair of a monster. Yet, that is the picture that is inadvertently painted by court professionals to the child by careless use of words — and, I would suggest, purposely painted by favoured parents to instill fear in the child. I find it interesting how much alienators have managed to pervade the thinking of the court system, so that their language is uncritically echoed. When the whole debate is framed within the parameters set by the alienator, what chance have rejected parents got?
It would be great to see some academic studies and articles on the use of language in courts, and what effect that may have on children’s perception of their parents.
Parents and society have many rules that children and teenagers are expected to follow, even if the children do not want to comply. As children age they are generally given more choices. But, as long as they are considered minors, there are certain choices that adults exercise that are not delegated to children.
In place of the provocative tone of the word forced, perhaps we would do well to let children and teens know that they are expected to spend time with their parents in accord with the prevailing court-ordered schedule. Parents can enforce such expectations just as they would any other important expectations for children’s appropriate behavior. Problems occur when parents devalue the importance of a child’s contact with the other parent; that is, when spending time under the other parent’s care is not considered an important expectation.
Usually the courts modify the order to _increase_ the `favored’ parent’s timeshare—when the favored parent is the one with the larger timeshare to begin with and understood to be the primary or sole custodian of the child—when these kinds of difficulties occur, in accordance with the prevailing principle that when there’s intra-parental conflict one parent has to be given dominant power, and the other and the child will get such contact with each other as the favored parent will tolerate.
Some US states have criminal parenting interference statutes, by which disobeying a custody order which is specific as to in whose care a child should be at a particular time constitutes an abduction, but many do not. Contempt of court is available everywhere and can include both monetary sanctions and jail time, but applying these penalties in family law cases is rare;
rather as already alluded to, the intra-parental conflict exhibited in the fact that the order was violated, is taken as reason to modify the order to reduce the amount of coparenting and make the order more asymmetric. Supervised visitation is ordered when the court perceives a risk of the child being concealed or moved to another state or country in defiance of the order.
Court professionals are usually well tuned in to what’s expected of them in terms of respecting the court’s allocation of power amongst the parents: the patterns in their use of words are not typically careless.
Courts can take varying degrees of direct control over a child, but must invoke the appropriate legal processes involving making the child a dependent or ward of the court—which are not entailed by or automatically in place in a custody case.
JANTA WROTE: I have heard a lawyer for child say “We cannot chain her to the bed”. What is with these absurd horror-scenarios? The child is required to see a loving parent, not physically coerced to enter the lair of a monster…
Hi Janta,
I agree totally with the ‘language’ problem that (colludes) with the alienator… but the basis for PA is the ‘false allegation’ and I believe the training/learning required along with a healthy language is that all ‘officers of the court’ etc stand COMPLETELY on NEUTRAL ground, unbiased and unassuming. If they’re in any way believing the false allegations they’re not going to have a problem with using the (alienator) language… are you on Aussie soil?
The other HUGE bias issue is the GENDER one. PA is Gender Neutral as far as I’m concerned… men have no hope of being FULLY heard if they’re not going to be accepted as a victim of DV (target parent).
MOVIE SUGGESTION
TANGLED…
A modern take on ‘Repunzel’… with the stolen Princess kept hidden away by a (wicked) woman…
There are alot of examples of the direct manipulation of the Princess by the woman/kidnapper, confusing her, playing games with her in ways that made her feel guilty, and doubt herself etc…
I imagine it could be helpful to watch it with an alienated child because there would be alot of behaviours that would resonate for them… since they know that the Princess is being manipulated (everybody knows that).. there is really quite a significant content of the tactics in here.
Make a Web Site / BLOG
Hi everyone, I am going to share an idea with you that you may have already heard or thought of.
I created a web site for my daughter and me over 1 & 1/2 years ago. (she has been FULLY) out of my life for almost 3 years. She hasn’t got the web address, and I haven’t made it public, but have access to it at ‘The Right Time’!
I did mention it to her one time when I saw her for a few mintues whilst picking up her younger sister after a supervised visit. She (was in front of a computer at the time) actually got excited and asked me what it was called, she began ‘googling’. It was early days and I told her I didn’t remember the address or password yet (and I’d only just begun to set it up, having very little idea what I was doing!).
It warmed my heart to see the excitement on her face about it. Because we NEVER see each other at all.. or communicate (only from my end).. there’s never been a chance since then, and I have no intention of doing it ‘openly’ for her father to have access to it.
So in the mean time I get a lot of gratification from having it… I get to write (blog) to her how I feel about her, what I’m thinking of her, I comment on things going on with her little sister and gifts I may have forwarded to her, or cards… so that there is a record of EVERYTHING that occurs, everything in court too – I write in a way I would talk to her if she were in my care at the age she is, so explaining just enough… then she will get to compare bits and pieces down the track and recall what she knew (or was told) by her father. But mainly, that my love for her grows stronger every day, how excited I am when her little sister gets her supervised visits with her… and that I get excited at the tiny window of opportunity for me to ‘see her face’ for 2 seconds when she drives by in her father’s car.
So, my suggestion is, creating a very simple BLOG SITE is the easiest… don’t waste any of those beautiful loving moments you have, share them with her – ONE day, she/he will read them and get great warmth from your constant loving messages their whole life. You can even attach photos to your blogs or poems you write about them.
Trying to heal or block out the pain and grief we have of losing them is necessary for us to continue to function… but I believe feeling the love in your heart for them is separate. Sometimes loving them.. turns to missing them.. turns to the pain.. But, at least make an effort to ‘capture’ that loving thought, write it down, express it… then deal with the pain. At least they’ll get to see it one day. Good Luck.
(Oh.. and don’t think it’s too hard to create a blog site.. I knew nothing when I started.. or there’s always the hand written diary).
I set up an email account for my boys. We are not in the situation that many of you are in and would appreciate any guidance as I seem to have successfully navigated a highly active period of aggressive parental aliention from their Dad but am worried about the future. I started counseling with my oldest son who was showing the signs much more than his younger brother. I email them and say hi, thinking about you and reminding them of fun activities or vacations that we have taken. They especially like to hear about when they were babies and the times we had while I stayed at home. Another thing I started that (unknowingly) seemed to help was looking at pictures of them when they were little and telling stories about those pictures. I am in a place where I want to circumvent (to the best of my ability) any further alienating situations. Their father is still talking about me, our house, telling them they get to decide where they live- ‘You’re gonna pick me, right,” and I want to know if there is any ideas that help to be proactive and stop it from worsening.
Thanks!
Hi Sam
Sounds like you are doing the right things already. Have you read *Divorce Poison* and considered showing your sons *Welcome back, Pluto*? I am making progress with those. Good luck!
My husband was reunited with his daughter the other day. It was a wonderful reunion after 13 years of her hating us.
I believe what worked was to befriend the mother (the ex, the alienator). After reading DIVORCE POISON we decided that the key to the alienated children was the ex. So we decided to do whatever it took to build a relationship with her so that she may “allow” the relationship with the children to start again. It worked.
I also believe that she has turned over a new leaf which made things easier. So whatever your situation, try being extra nice to your ex (as difficult as this may be, it may be the key to your kids).
Don’t give up. There are happy reunions!
Thanks for sharing this story and strategy. Reconciliations such as this give alienated parents reasonable hope.
I am now trying to go above and beyond to be nice…but his family is involved with the hate…it is so sad. I know my daughter knows I love her…but she has been brainwashed for years…she needs to figure it out…I know one day she will it is the waiting that is KILLING me…I can’t escape the sadness one single day. It is such a selfish situation.
Please do not just sit and wait. Do something now. Every minute you are not doing anything about the alienation, is a minute lost with your daughter, a minute you will never ever get back in your life. If you must go the legal route, please explore it. Now.
I wonder, what do other rejected parents say or do when they are asked by acquaintances or other parents, say at school info evenings, how their children are? I have always found this difficult. The honest choice is between “I don’t know” and explaining the whole situation, including a run-down of how parental alienation works, neither of which is a good choice when you do not know the other person very well. Lying and saying “Fine, thank you” and changing the subject quickly seems to be the only other choice. Not to mention bursting into tears – which is not a choice, but it can happen. What do we do? How do we deal with this? Not knowing how your children are and being confronted with it by the well-meant questions of strangers is embarrassing, humiliating and upsetting.
Janata, I know exactly what and how u are feeling. I was asked by my son’s middle school PTSA to assist in a Drug and Alcohol Seminar (which is funny as my husband in family court has accused me of being an alcoholic and drub addict which were both refuted after alcohol screening and follicle test). While manning our table, one of of my son’s friend’s mother approached me to tell me her husband were “taking the boys tonight”. My response was “Here?” She looked at me sideways and said, “No to soccer practice”. I was totally unaware that my husband had enrolled my son in a travel soccer team so to cover my ‘tracks” as a totally aliented parent I covered it by saying,”Oh, that’s right, it’s Tuesday night. Thanks so much for taking him.” Needless to say, I had a nice long cry when I got home after having to feign happiness for 2 VERY long hours!!
I am excited about “Body of Proof”, the US TV series which has just started screening here (yes, we are a little behind). The protagonist is a rejected mother, her ex blocks her calls and lies to their daughter, and her daughter says she wants her mother to “back off”, and that the judge had said she was too busy with her career to care about her. This promises to be an interesting side-plot to the series. I wonder how much awareness it will raise in my country.
Thanks for this tip. I will watch for the series.
I hope it s not presenting what may be ultimately a pro-alienation point of view.
Mother’s careers are a hotly contested aspect of moveaway cases, with many women’s advocates claiming the courts are giving insufficient weight to the factor when they discourage or forbid a mother to relocate with the child when it would advance her career and financial situation, because it would alienate the child from the the father due to the reduced amount of contact, regardless of whether or not there’s been overt badmouthing. Sometimes such a dispute will engender a badmouthing campaign, in that the parent wanting to move will try to disrupt the child’s relationship with the other parent in order to argue that it’s problematic enough that the child will not lose anything by moving.
In the real world I have a hard time imagining a judge criticizing a mother for devoting too much time to her job, unless the child is clearly neglected at a level that would attract the attention of the child protection agency.
The fourth episode just screened here last night, and I think it’s all a bit too fast and too easy. The treatment of alienation seems very superficial, after a promising start. Last night, the daughter decided that she would do her “take your child to work day” at her mother’s work, because her mum cuts up dead bodies, and that is much cooler than her father’s admin job. At the end of the hour, she was positively gushing about how amazing her mother was. That’s nice. But it also shows nothing about how alienation works and how it is overcome. Although, to be fair, I think one of the important points was that the daughter saw not only that her mother’s career is really valuable, but also that her colleagues hold her in high regard. Well, I guess I will see how this storyline is developed further.