Like many rejected parents, Maureen bit her tongue when her children returned from their dad spewing venom about their mother’s alleged wrongdoings. She thought she was taking the high road. She had the support of her counselor whose advice was to give the children time to figure out for themselves that their dad’s view of mom was not accurate. Read the rest of this article on the Huffington Post.
Then you have those alenators that choose more stealthier means to get their devaluing messages across to their children, utilizing more subversive means, training children to take ownership of feelings that aren’t theirs and working tirelessly to remove themselves from culpability, by teaching and reinforcing that the childs feelings are their own – the Independent Thinker property. These are situations where an alienated child is taught to conceal his criticism from everyone else (including evaluators) and hide the source of his decaying affection and increasing intolerance for the alienated parent. These are difficult and near impossible to counteract, and as difficult to prove up in court. Often you can observe this during the litigation and custody evaluation phase with younger children between 4 to 10. The alienating parent understands that his or her actions are being observed and will do everything in their power to “duck” under the radar of the court and those professionals who are making decisions around the custody arrangements of their children.
Good point. In such cases the evaluator may assess the child’s attitudes about spending time with the other parent, and then seek the roots of the child’s attitudes. If the child gives trivial reasons for not wanting to be with a parent, this signals the possibility that the child’s attitudes are irrationally negative.
cxf: Well put.
My DH had the combination you describe — a teenage daughter who wouldn’t say, even to a counsellor, why she no longer wanted to see her father; and an ex who insisted she wasn’t alienating. Even DH’s twenty-something son didn’t know why his sister was “so afraid” to visit her Dad. Eventually she came up with a false allegation that DH had touched her inappropriately, which provided her with the justification she needed, exonerated the ex, and also served to complete the alienation of her brother.
You’re right that this is very hard to counteract, as you don’t know what you’re being accused of until it’s too late and the kid is severely alienated.
Recall also that the child feeling they must defend and comfort the alienating parent who is presenting themselves to them as a victim of the other parent, is a common feature of severe alienation, and a necessary aspect of the PA syndrome as Gardner originally defined it.
Again, I suggest considering that the reason a court will not act appropriately when a child is mum or devious about why they disdain the target parent, is not that there then isn’t enough positive evidence to implicate the alienating parent, but rather that in the court’s scheme of things parental alienation doesn’t figure very prominently, and even the most iron clad evidence of the alienating parent’s campaign won’t guide its decisions and orders.
The `high road-low road’ distinction many parents make usually reflects a misunderstanding of what counts in family court, it being especially in error to seriously think that the low road as construed actually stands a good chance of expediently winning the contest, but would be uncivil, immoral or Faustian to use. Character assassination doesn’t work in court because character, personality, and lifestyle aren’t factors the court uses to decide cases, even if one thinks it obvious that a person exhibiting some highly unbecoming traits or habits cannot be a decent parent.
It’s not taking `the low road’ in any context, to be conscientiously critical and begging to differ in ways that are germane, defensible from a factual standpoint, and expressed thoughtfully. The thinking that ought to precede raising issues that can be expected to raise hackles should include consideration of how the hopefully ephemeral tension and discomfort that will occur will be overcome, and a better climate, mutual understanding, and perhaps balance of power emerge. With a propos consideration of their maturity level and the special dependency aspects of their relationships, the same basic principle applies to what one says to children as well.
I too stayed silent while my two boys would verbally attack me. This was in part because I felt as though that by doing nothing that they would eventually “see the light” on their own. What I neglected to understand was as children, they viewed my silence as acknowledgment of my “guilt” as a lousy parent. Now I address these accusations by letting them know that I disagree, and that I realize they have been raised in an environment to disrespect me and that this colors their perceptions, and I rebut their accusations in a logical and methodical manner. Looking back on it, I see those instances as opportunities that my children were giving me to stand up for myself, and I think at their core they wanted me to stand up to their father and his accusations because his behavior was creating such turmoil in our lives.
I want to emphasize the wisdom of your insight: When your children repeated accusations against you that they heard from others, you took these as opportunities to clarify reality for them.
This reminds me of some advice I give to parents whose children have witnessed a traumatic event at school, at home, or in society (such as learning about acts of terrorism). Parents sometimes lose patience when children ask the same question over and over. Naturally this gets tedious for parents, but you should understand that the questions are not intended to “bug” you. Rather, such questions show that the children have still not fully understood or accepted the answers. Try to be patient. Children’s questions are precious gifts. They bestow upon you the awesome responsibility of shaping, or at least framing, your children’s attitudes for years to come. Repeated questions deserve repeated answers. When your children no longer need to ask questions, they will stop on their own. If you tell them to stop asking questions, they will not stop thinking about the issues; they will merely exclude you from their inner thoughts.
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