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	Comments on: The Slanted Truth: Rationalizing Trash-Talk	</title>
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	<description>Understanding, preventing, and overcoming parental alienation</description>
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		<title>
		By: Cindy		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-632</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Cindy]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 16 Dec 2010 03:31:16 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-632</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[Talking to another alienated mom today and decided to copy my message to her. I talked about needing to take a mental break, but she had a few questions in her message and this was my answer. It sheds light on sick behaviors. 

Just to answer you before we go on mental vacation. D was mad when I would not marry him. I was divorced for a long while, and B was 7. I saw things in D I did not like a little too late. His mother was upset when I broke off the engagement as well. SHe is very controlling. After the break up D came to see M (my daughter) , but at 6 months the mother set him up with L.S. from Wattsburg. D then started taking M 2 days per week. It started becoming my fault when she got a cold and she was not dressed in brand new clothes even though they bought items from yard sales. I was criticized for everything possible. As soon as M was able to talk  she began parroting their complaints about me as her own.  I have these written in my journal. Many  sad things happened, far too many to mention.   I was trying to work and go to school and had things handled on my end. He lived 28 miles away and she went to school 3 miles from my house. Mediation was a bad idea. The mediator looked at him like he was nuts but made a terrible ruling. When I met my husband, I found he lived in the same school district as Dan. I was hopeful, agreed to 50-50 hoping it would stop. I begged through letters and also decreased child support 50%. All the years I had primary custody I granted him the right to claim her every other year. When the end came, a lot happening, he had her write a letter, got primary, took me to the CS office and then claimed her two years in a row looking at me saying he will do it BECAUSE HE COULD. It was power, ugly, evil power in the wrong hands. No one helped. I begged school counselors, parents, teachers..... no one cares if a child is abused in this way. I have proof and showed proof to the mediators many times. They are all game players with children&#039;s lives. You asked about the stepmother and if she alienated my daughter?  She was and continues to be a major player in the emotional abuse. Calling herself my daughter’s mom, keeping information from me, running into me and screaming I hit her, writing letters for my daughter to sign, having my daughter lie, take things from my home.... and so much more......     The only comfort I have is believing there is a hell.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Talking to another alienated mom today and decided to copy my message to her. I talked about needing to take a mental break, but she had a few questions in her message and this was my answer. It sheds light on sick behaviors. </p>
<p>Just to answer you before we go on mental vacation. D was mad when I would not marry him. I was divorced for a long while, and B was 7. I saw things in D I did not like a little too late. His mother was upset when I broke off the engagement as well. SHe is very controlling. After the break up D came to see M (my daughter) , but at 6 months the mother set him up with L.S. from Wattsburg. D then started taking M 2 days per week. It started becoming my fault when she got a cold and she was not dressed in brand new clothes even though they bought items from yard sales. I was criticized for everything possible. As soon as M was able to talk  she began parroting their complaints about me as her own.  I have these written in my journal. Many  sad things happened, far too many to mention.   I was trying to work and go to school and had things handled on my end. He lived 28 miles away and she went to school 3 miles from my house. Mediation was a bad idea. The mediator looked at him like he was nuts but made a terrible ruling. When I met my husband, I found he lived in the same school district as Dan. I was hopeful, agreed to 50-50 hoping it would stop. I begged through letters and also decreased child support 50%. All the years I had primary custody I granted him the right to claim her every other year. When the end came, a lot happening, he had her write a letter, got primary, took me to the CS office and then claimed her two years in a row looking at me saying he will do it BECAUSE HE COULD. It was power, ugly, evil power in the wrong hands. No one helped. I begged school counselors, parents, teachers&#8230;.. no one cares if a child is abused in this way. I have proof and showed proof to the mediators many times. They are all game players with children&#8217;s lives. You asked about the stepmother and if she alienated my daughter?  She was and continues to be a major player in the emotional abuse. Calling herself my daughter’s mom, keeping information from me, running into me and screaming I hit her, writing letters for my daughter to sign, having my daughter lie, take things from my home&#8230;. and so much more&#8230;&#8230;     The only comfort I have is believing there is a hell.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Cindy		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-596</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Cindy]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 15 Dec 2010 03:02:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-596</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[My daughter is 18. She began making odd comments at the age of three. I kept a journal because I had done so with my son as a way to present him with a reflection of his life through my eyes. I feel it could offer him a deeper understanding about his development. I never imagined the journals that I would write for my daughter would contain over 17 years of struggles, trying to maintain a mother/daughter relationship. 
I have a facebook page. Someone commented about how much the writings there are about  parental alienation. I told him many of the people that I communicate with are rejected parents that need support and offer support. Watching a child being alienated is like watching a child die. You do not get over it quickly, or ever. 
I also told him that alienated children/young adults, need to be challenged to think critically through occasional, well thought out questions.  I cautioned him that if he was on the receiving end  he would have to be cognitive of what would come out of her mouth first, and that is years of indoctrination/poison. For if he was not self aware, he too could be brainwashed by the alienating parent through her.  Sadly, it works that way. (Just as much as people enjoy contact sports, they enjoy the drama of broken relationships).  Although gross, I described the indoctrination as an infected boil. The verbal critical thinking would ooze out poison first, but after that,  healing could take place. But, if the boil is never attended to, it will continue to infect other parts of the body.   So we  desperately need to find caring people willing to approach these kids slowly and skillfully so they can detoxify their present way of thinking.  Hopefully we can devise some questions, almost like a lesson plan, to help us help our kids.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>My daughter is 18. She began making odd comments at the age of three. I kept a journal because I had done so with my son as a way to present him with a reflection of his life through my eyes. I feel it could offer him a deeper understanding about his development. I never imagined the journals that I would write for my daughter would contain over 17 years of struggles, trying to maintain a mother/daughter relationship.<br />
I have a facebook page. Someone commented about how much the writings there are about  parental alienation. I told him many of the people that I communicate with are rejected parents that need support and offer support. Watching a child being alienated is like watching a child die. You do not get over it quickly, or ever.<br />
I also told him that alienated children/young adults, need to be challenged to think critically through occasional, well thought out questions.  I cautioned him that if he was on the receiving end  he would have to be cognitive of what would come out of her mouth first, and that is years of indoctrination/poison. For if he was not self aware, he too could be brainwashed by the alienating parent through her.  Sadly, it works that way. (Just as much as people enjoy contact sports, they enjoy the drama of broken relationships).  Although gross, I described the indoctrination as an infected boil. The verbal critical thinking would ooze out poison first, but after that,  healing could take place. But, if the boil is never attended to, it will continue to infect other parts of the body.   So we  desperately need to find caring people willing to approach these kids slowly and skillfully so they can detoxify their present way of thinking.  Hopefully we can devise some questions, almost like a lesson plan, to help us help our kids.</p>
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		By: Parental Alienation: Impracticality &#38; Impressions. Dr. Richard Warshak Answers Critics &#171; Parental Alienation Disorder		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-209</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Parental Alienation: Impracticality &#38; Impressions. Dr. Richard Warshak Answers Critics &#171; Parental Alienation Disorder]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 02 Dec 2010 21:10:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-209</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[[...] arguments. You do not learn about my article by reading the advocate’s blog posts. (See The Slanted Truth for the use of such tactics by alienating parents.) It is as if it did not exist. You can read my [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>[&#8230;] arguments. You do not learn about my article by reading the advocate’s blog posts. (See The Slanted Truth for the use of such tactics by alienating parents.) It is as if it did not exist. You can read my [&#8230;]</p>
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		By: Answering Critics &#8211; Part 1 &#124; Dr. Richard Warshak&#039;s Blog: Plutoverse		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-204</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Answering Critics &#8211; Part 1 &#124; Dr. Richard Warshak&#039;s Blog: Plutoverse]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 02 Dec 2010 15:12:48 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-204</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[[...] arguments. You do not learn about my article by reading the advocate’s blog posts. (See The Slanted Truth for the use of such tactics by alienating parents.) It is as if it did not exist. You can read my [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>[&#8230;] arguments. You do not learn about my article by reading the advocate’s blog posts. (See The Slanted Truth for the use of such tactics by alienating parents.) It is as if it did not exist. You can read my [&#8230;]</p>
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		<title>
		By: cxf		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-198</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[cxf]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 02 Dec 2010 03:42:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-198</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-184&quot;&gt;Janta&lt;/a&gt;.

Janta, you said that your ex spouse started the alienation after separation. I would like to ask, if not too personal, if you could see these alienating behaviors in him (to some degree) during your marriage.  Did he get along with your side of the family?  Did he have an curious preference to have the children spend more time with his side of the family? Did he make disparaging remarks at all about the care your family gave your children, or the values they espoused over his?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-184">Janta</a>.</p>
<p>Janta, you said that your ex spouse started the alienation after separation. I would like to ask, if not too personal, if you could see these alienating behaviors in him (to some degree) during your marriage.  Did he get along with your side of the family?  Did he have an curious preference to have the children spend more time with his side of the family? Did he make disparaging remarks at all about the care your family gave your children, or the values they espoused over his?</p>
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		<title>
		By: Janta		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-184</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Janta]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 01 Dec 2010 08:48:03 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-184</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-177&quot;&gt;EC&lt;/a&gt;.

From some cases of alienation I personally know of, I would say that normally the parent with a proven history of violence is not the parent best positioned to be the recipient of an award of sole custody.  In any case, where I live (not the US), it is generally recognised that it is best for children to have a relationship with both parents, and, as I understand it, normally shared parenting or meaningful contact, depending on the circumstances, are seen to be in the best interest of the child. And yet, people with a history of spousal abuse seem to frequently receive sole custody, or the bulk of it, because they have been so successful in alienating the child.   As a Lawyer for Child said to me, sometimes children are &quot;so damaged&quot; by alienation, that the court decides it would be too stressful for them to be &quot;forced&quot; to live or spend time with the other parent. The award of sole custody to the alienator also appears to routinely happen in the case of pre-teens or teens, who are seen to be too intelligent to be influenced and too old to be &quot;forced against their will&quot;. It seems to me that the courts here are either unaware of how alienation works and how best to address it, or they are simply too ill-equipped to deal with it, or both. The complete absence, in my country, of programmes to help children cope with alienation and adjust to custody reversal (should it ever happen) is not helping.
Also, I do not think my ex was advised by anyone to alienate our children from me.  Apart from the fact that he would never spend the money for such advice, his alienation of the children started pretty much from day one after separation. I think the way to do it and the language needed to successfully alienate came very natural to him. As I said, it all looked very similar to the way he used to brainwash me.
(Btw., I am not ashamed to say that I had been brainwashed. I am still disentangling myself from it and occasionally, I have to question some version of the past or a particular belief. Also, I assume much like alienated children who have to completely deny part of themselves, I sometimes simply have absolutely no idea what I think or feel about particular things that were made an issue during my relationship, because I had to eliminate every thought of them.  I just draw a blank and have to actively spend some time figuring it out. I have found doing the opposite of what my ex would have wanted is usually the best remedy.  I recognise that an enormous stigma comes with having been brainwashed - people generally assume you must be stupid to fall for brainwashing. I would say that all it takes to make one a perfect victim for brainwashing is an unawareness of how it works.)]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-177">EC</a>.</p>
<p>From some cases of alienation I personally know of, I would say that normally the parent with a proven history of violence is not the parent best positioned to be the recipient of an award of sole custody.  In any case, where I live (not the US), it is generally recognised that it is best for children to have a relationship with both parents, and, as I understand it, normally shared parenting or meaningful contact, depending on the circumstances, are seen to be in the best interest of the child. And yet, people with a history of spousal abuse seem to frequently receive sole custody, or the bulk of it, because they have been so successful in alienating the child.   As a Lawyer for Child said to me, sometimes children are &#8220;so damaged&#8221; by alienation, that the court decides it would be too stressful for them to be &#8220;forced&#8221; to live or spend time with the other parent. The award of sole custody to the alienator also appears to routinely happen in the case of pre-teens or teens, who are seen to be too intelligent to be influenced and too old to be &#8220;forced against their will&#8221;. It seems to me that the courts here are either unaware of how alienation works and how best to address it, or they are simply too ill-equipped to deal with it, or both. The complete absence, in my country, of programmes to help children cope with alienation and adjust to custody reversal (should it ever happen) is not helping.<br />
Also, I do not think my ex was advised by anyone to alienate our children from me.  Apart from the fact that he would never spend the money for such advice, his alienation of the children started pretty much from day one after separation. I think the way to do it and the language needed to successfully alienate came very natural to him. As I said, it all looked very similar to the way he used to brainwash me.<br />
(Btw., I am not ashamed to say that I had been brainwashed. I am still disentangling myself from it and occasionally, I have to question some version of the past or a particular belief. Also, I assume much like alienated children who have to completely deny part of themselves, I sometimes simply have absolutely no idea what I think or feel about particular things that were made an issue during my relationship, because I had to eliminate every thought of them.  I just draw a blank and have to actively spend some time figuring it out. I have found doing the opposite of what my ex would have wanted is usually the best remedy.  I recognise that an enormous stigma comes with having been brainwashed &#8211; people generally assume you must be stupid to fall for brainwashing. I would say that all it takes to make one a perfect victim for brainwashing is an unawareness of how it works.)</p>
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		<title>
		By: EC		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-177</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[EC]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 01 Dec 2010 01:51:38 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-177</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-172&quot;&gt;Janta&lt;/a&gt;.

Because it&#039;s a reasonably assured way to quash the possibility of joint custody, leveling false allegations and alienating the child is part of the standard counsel many lawyers and therapists offer to the parent positioned to be the recipient of an award of sole custody.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-172">Janta</a>.</p>
<p>Because it&#8217;s a reasonably assured way to quash the possibility of joint custody, leveling false allegations and alienating the child is part of the standard counsel many lawyers and therapists offer to the parent positioned to be the recipient of an award of sole custody.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Janta		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2010/11/30/the-slanted-truth-rationalizing-trash-talk/#comment-172</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Janta]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 30 Nov 2010 22:44:06 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=257#comment-172</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[I am always amazed how spot on your descriptions of what alienating parents say and do are. When I read *Divorce Poison*, it was as if you were describing my family. Why is it that alienating parents all seem to be using the exact same language?  A friend of mine has recently been rejected by her sixteen-year-old. The other parent wrote that this girl is now &quot;a fine young woman&quot; who was old enough to make her own decisions. It is as if her ex had copied the emails I get from my ex verbatim.  Do they have a club? Is there a manual for alienators?  How is it that rejected parents have to read up and learn how alienation works, when it seems to come naturally to alienating parents, and they all seem to be reading from the same script (and, obviously, applying it to varying degrees)?
I cannot help but see the parallels with what Dr Dina L. McMillan describes in her book *But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship*  (2007). This refers to the context of domestic violence. It is a chilling book, as half of it is written in Dr McMillan&#039;s voice as a social psychologist who has counselled many victims and perpetrators of domestic violence, and the other half is written in the voice of the abuser, &quot;The Abuser&#039;s Handbook&quot;. I would say that anyone who has been in that situation will hear their abuser speaking - verbatim.
What is it about abusive behaviours - whether it is alienation or domestic violence - that seems to make it so scripted: different people, different situations, varying degrees of abuse, but in essence the exact same behaviours and language?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I am always amazed how spot on your descriptions of what alienating parents say and do are. When I read *Divorce Poison*, it was as if you were describing my family. Why is it that alienating parents all seem to be using the exact same language?  A friend of mine has recently been rejected by her sixteen-year-old. The other parent wrote that this girl is now &#8220;a fine young woman&#8221; who was old enough to make her own decisions. It is as if her ex had copied the emails I get from my ex verbatim.  Do they have a club? Is there a manual for alienators?  How is it that rejected parents have to read up and learn how alienation works, when it seems to come naturally to alienating parents, and they all seem to be reading from the same script (and, obviously, applying it to varying degrees)?<br />
I cannot help but see the parallels with what Dr Dina L. McMillan describes in her book *But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship*  (2007). This refers to the context of domestic violence. It is a chilling book, as half of it is written in Dr McMillan&#8217;s voice as a social psychologist who has counselled many victims and perpetrators of domestic violence, and the other half is written in the voice of the abuser, &#8220;The Abuser&#8217;s Handbook&#8221;. I would say that anyone who has been in that situation will hear their abuser speaking &#8211; verbatim.<br />
What is it about abusive behaviours &#8211; whether it is alienation or domestic violence &#8211; that seems to make it so scripted: different people, different situations, varying degrees of abuse, but in essence the exact same behaviours and language?</p>
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