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	Comments on: NY Higher Court Decision on Parental Alienation	</title>
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	<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/</link>
	<description>Understanding, preventing, and overcoming parental alienation</description>
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		<title>
		By: Justins Mom		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-3204</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Justins Mom]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 25 May 2011 17:42:54 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-3204</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880&quot;&gt;Paul Zieleniewski&lt;/a&gt;.

I agree with your simplistic approach...it is logical.  If a child is expressing unusual behavior and hatred toward one of their parents, the courts should at very least, make CERTAIN that the visits continue regularly.  And, in the worst cased...change custody to the other parent for a given time period.  For the childs&#039; sake.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880">Paul Zieleniewski</a>.</p>
<p>I agree with your simplistic approach&#8230;it is logical.  If a child is expressing unusual behavior and hatred toward one of their parents, the courts should at very least, make CERTAIN that the visits continue regularly.  And, in the worst cased&#8230;change custody to the other parent for a given time period.  For the childs&#8217; sake.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Justins Mom		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-3203</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Justins Mom]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 25 May 2011 17:34:35 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-3203</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2888&quot;&gt;Name withheld by admin&lt;/a&gt;.

I&#039;m sorry to hear this story.  I was alienated from my oldest son; the only child from my first marriage.  It began before we were divorced.  My ex worked tirelessly to buy my son, say negative things about me and make my child feel as though he was &quot;in danger&quot; when he spent time with me.  My ex is a soft spoken man...but in our marriage was controlling.  I worked full time and paid our mortgage and bills; while he was a union painter and later, started his own company, with my financial assistance.  He would flip out if I was even a few minutes late from work (and picking up our son at daycare).  I couldn&#039;t buy new clothes for work, or he would get angry.  He always bought me &quot;high calorie treats&quot; that, of course I would eat and gain 15 pounds; and feel miserable when I couldn&#039;t fit in my clothes.  He would praise me by saying, &quot;I love you this way&quot; even though I felt horrible about myself.  He hated times when I visited with my family.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and both of my parents.  We all live in the Chicagoland area.  His father died when he was an infant, and his mother remarried and the kids were adopted by the new father.  She kept no memories or photos of his birth father and only said a couple of negative things about him during the time we were together.  The subject of the real father was off limits, taboo.  I truly believe he had such low self-esteem that this made him feel &quot;good&quot; somehow.  I believe he is narcissistic.  This is purely observation, as I have no relationship or feelings about him.  He hated that I got remarried and began a new life with a teriffic man.  He litigated against me for 18 years.  

By age 10, my son weighed about 175 lbs.  He was tight-lipped about activites, school, etc.  We were in therapy by the time he was 11 or 12.  My son refused all visitation by the time he was 16.  The courts were no help.  Ever.  By age 18, my son contacted me and we began going to lunch, dinner, etc.  I was elated for awhile...only to learn that he was not only doing drugs, he was addicted to heroin.  

My son died January 15th, 2011.  His final messages to friends were that he was about to go through divorce #2 and he seemed to express that it was his fault.  I&#039;m sure he was made to feel that way.  He had been in a sober-living ministry for almost 2 months, prior to his dad taking him out for the day, and him returning with drugs for &quot;anxiety&quot;.  He was asked to leave and his dad picked him up.  Another victory for dad.  He almost made 2 months before I learned of his death.  He had been living at his dad&#039;s painting business &quot;shop&quot;.  Got together with &quot;friends&quot; and used several drugs.  

This is the worst case scenario for a child who has been indoctrinated into a parent&#039;s alienation tactics, but it happened to me.  My worst fears came to fruition.  Now the grief I feel is debilitating.  I blame myself at times for &quot;saving&quot; myself; and not having the ability to &quot;save&quot; my son.  Alienated children have a heavy cross to bear.  They must cope with their choice to have &quot;chosen&quot;.  They realize at some point that they no longer have important family members in their lives that they once loved; but they have the fond memories of loving those family members.  They too mourn the loss.  Alienation is a frightening, evil and self-serving form of child abuse, imposed by an insecure parent; who claims to have done it all for the &quot;best interest of the child&quot;.  I feel for the person who shared this story.  I feel the pain of your &quot;grief without end&quot; while your children are under the evil spell of alienation.  It is sad and it is completely unfair to you and your children.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2888">Name withheld by admin</a>.</p>
<p>I&#8217;m sorry to hear this story.  I was alienated from my oldest son; the only child from my first marriage.  It began before we were divorced.  My ex worked tirelessly to buy my son, say negative things about me and make my child feel as though he was &#8220;in danger&#8221; when he spent time with me.  My ex is a soft spoken man&#8230;but in our marriage was controlling.  I worked full time and paid our mortgage and bills; while he was a union painter and later, started his own company, with my financial assistance.  He would flip out if I was even a few minutes late from work (and picking up our son at daycare).  I couldn&#8217;t buy new clothes for work, or he would get angry.  He always bought me &#8220;high calorie treats&#8221; that, of course I would eat and gain 15 pounds; and feel miserable when I couldn&#8217;t fit in my clothes.  He would praise me by saying, &#8220;I love you this way&#8221; even though I felt horrible about myself.  He hated times when I visited with my family.  I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and both of my parents.  We all live in the Chicagoland area.  His father died when he was an infant, and his mother remarried and the kids were adopted by the new father.  She kept no memories or photos of his birth father and only said a couple of negative things about him during the time we were together.  The subject of the real father was off limits, taboo.  I truly believe he had such low self-esteem that this made him feel &#8220;good&#8221; somehow.  I believe he is narcissistic.  This is purely observation, as I have no relationship or feelings about him.  He hated that I got remarried and began a new life with a teriffic man.  He litigated against me for 18 years.  </p>
<p>By age 10, my son weighed about 175 lbs.  He was tight-lipped about activites, school, etc.  We were in therapy by the time he was 11 or 12.  My son refused all visitation by the time he was 16.  The courts were no help.  Ever.  By age 18, my son contacted me and we began going to lunch, dinner, etc.  I was elated for awhile&#8230;only to learn that he was not only doing drugs, he was addicted to heroin.  </p>
<p>My son died January 15th, 2011.  His final messages to friends were that he was about to go through divorce #2 and he seemed to express that it was his fault.  I&#8217;m sure he was made to feel that way.  He had been in a sober-living ministry for almost 2 months, prior to his dad taking him out for the day, and him returning with drugs for &#8220;anxiety&#8221;.  He was asked to leave and his dad picked him up.  Another victory for dad.  He almost made 2 months before I learned of his death.  He had been living at his dad&#8217;s painting business &#8220;shop&#8221;.  Got together with &#8220;friends&#8221; and used several drugs.  </p>
<p>This is the worst case scenario for a child who has been indoctrinated into a parent&#8217;s alienation tactics, but it happened to me.  My worst fears came to fruition.  Now the grief I feel is debilitating.  I blame myself at times for &#8220;saving&#8221; myself; and not having the ability to &#8220;save&#8221; my son.  Alienated children have a heavy cross to bear.  They must cope with their choice to have &#8220;chosen&#8221;.  They realize at some point that they no longer have important family members in their lives that they once loved; but they have the fond memories of loving those family members.  They too mourn the loss.  Alienation is a frightening, evil and self-serving form of child abuse, imposed by an insecure parent; who claims to have done it all for the &#8220;best interest of the child&#8221;.  I feel for the person who shared this story.  I feel the pain of your &#8220;grief without end&#8221; while your children are under the evil spell of alienation.  It is sad and it is completely unfair to you and your children.</p>
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		<title>
		By: EC		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2921</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[EC]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 28 Apr 2011 23:49:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2921</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2905&quot;&gt;Deecee&lt;/a&gt;.

Campaigns of denigration do quite often `work,&#039; in that the parents conducting them get what they want, with the complicity of the courts.   But in the many cases I&#039;ve observed at closer hand, the court and its ancillaries aren&#039;t being fooled, or don&#039;t not know essentially what&#039;s going on: rather their priorities are such that it doesn&#039;t matter or doesn&#039;t change the key points such as which parent has primary custody.

An apparent stubborn refusal to acknowledge or investigate certain aspects of a case in a GAL usually reflects a desire to `please the court,&#039; or a knowledge that the court is predisposed to be unresponsive to any suggestion pertaining to that area.

The NY case that this post is about is interesting in that both courts involved turned down the minor&#039;s counsel&#039;s seemingly extreme motion, but there&#039;s not enough information about the case in the open to really know what to make of it.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2905">Deecee</a>.</p>
<p>Campaigns of denigration do quite often `work,&#8217; in that the parents conducting them get what they want, with the complicity of the courts.   But in the many cases I&#8217;ve observed at closer hand, the court and its ancillaries aren&#8217;t being fooled, or don&#8217;t not know essentially what&#8217;s going on: rather their priorities are such that it doesn&#8217;t matter or doesn&#8217;t change the key points such as which parent has primary custody.</p>
<p>An apparent stubborn refusal to acknowledge or investigate certain aspects of a case in a GAL usually reflects a desire to `please the court,&#8217; or a knowledge that the court is predisposed to be unresponsive to any suggestion pertaining to that area.</p>
<p>The NY case that this post is about is interesting in that both courts involved turned down the minor&#8217;s counsel&#8217;s seemingly extreme motion, but there&#8217;s not enough information about the case in the open to really know what to make of it.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2919</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Dr. Richard A. Warshak]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Thu, 28 Apr 2011 18:30:10 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2919</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2908&quot;&gt;EC&lt;/a&gt;.

See the comment below by Deecee that relates to your observation.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2908">EC</a>.</p>
<p>See the comment below by Deecee that relates to your observation.</p>
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		<title>
		By: EC		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2908</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[EC]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 27 Apr 2011 22:57:48 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2908</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880&quot;&gt;Paul Zieleniewski&lt;/a&gt;.

In several replies on this blog I&#039;ve tried to suggest that the family courts definitely engender a significant amount of parental alienation, and what it is about the way the courts make decisions---in which intra-parental conflict figures prominently---that&#039;s responsible for it.

In this New York case it&#039;s the minor&#039;s counsel, who essentially works for the courts, who wants to sever the child-parent bond completely: the custodial father, although he apparently has done things to alienate the daughter from the mother, only wanted supervised visitation for the her, because, he said, of the situation with the ex-mother-in-law.   It wasn&#039;t an issue raised in the appeal, but the appeals court apparently had no problem with the trial court having dismissed the mother&#039;s request for some enforcement of the custody order.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880">Paul Zieleniewski</a>.</p>
<p>In several replies on this blog I&#8217;ve tried to suggest that the family courts definitely engender a significant amount of parental alienation, and what it is about the way the courts make decisions&#8212;in which intra-parental conflict figures prominently&#8212;that&#8217;s responsible for it.</p>
<p>In this New York case it&#8217;s the minor&#8217;s counsel, who essentially works for the courts, who wants to sever the child-parent bond completely: the custodial father, although he apparently has done things to alienate the daughter from the mother, only wanted supervised visitation for the her, because, he said, of the situation with the ex-mother-in-law.   It wasn&#8217;t an issue raised in the appeal, but the appeals court apparently had no problem with the trial court having dismissed the mother&#8217;s request for some enforcement of the custody order.</p>
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		By: Deecee		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2905</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Deecee]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Wed, 27 Apr 2011 15:12:57 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2905</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[I can totally relate to this case as, similar to the mother in question, I have a preteen and two teenagers who the Court has acknowledged having been &quot;severely alienated&quot; from me by their father. In spite of this, the law guardian continues to take the position that his &quot;clients&quot; voice should be heard and that their request to terminate contact with me should be considered. He has recently asked for the Court to meet with these children directly, even though we had a very thorough forensic evaluation less than a year ago which found the children to have been severely alienated, and the father and children to be rather unreliable informants. To the law guardian, this information has fallen on deaf ears. He still thinks that the children &quot;hate&quot; their mother and seem to validate those feelings every chance he gets! When will the courts realize that giving lawyers to alienated children is tantamount to putting a gun in the hands of the alienater: all they have to do is continue their campaign of denigration and eventually either the alienated parent will give up or the Courts will stop enforcing visitation, or both.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I can totally relate to this case as, similar to the mother in question, I have a preteen and two teenagers who the Court has acknowledged having been &#8220;severely alienated&#8221; from me by their father. In spite of this, the law guardian continues to take the position that his &#8220;clients&#8221; voice should be heard and that their request to terminate contact with me should be considered. He has recently asked for the Court to meet with these children directly, even though we had a very thorough forensic evaluation less than a year ago which found the children to have been severely alienated, and the father and children to be rather unreliable informants. To the law guardian, this information has fallen on deaf ears. He still thinks that the children &#8220;hate&#8221; their mother and seem to validate those feelings every chance he gets! When will the courts realize that giving lawyers to alienated children is tantamount to putting a gun in the hands of the alienater: all they have to do is continue their campaign of denigration and eventually either the alienated parent will give up or the Courts will stop enforcing visitation, or both.</p>
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		By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2898</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Dr. Richard A. Warshak]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 19:46:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2898</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2889&quot;&gt;Happiness&lt;/a&gt;.

&quot;In the process of telling my ex about the therapist whom Dr. Warshak recommended, he ended up buying Dr. Warshak’s “Divorce Poison.” After he read it, he wrote me a very long letter (e-mail) asking for forgiveness for the “alienation” he has caused and point-by-point enumerated the actions he pledged to reverse and cease repeating. It was unbelievable! It was a rite of passage in our post-divorce relationship!&quot;

It was my hope in writing &lt;em&gt;Divorce Poison&lt;/em&gt; that it would help parents who were victims of this problem as well as those who were, or could become, perpetrators. Thanks so much for this note about how my book helped your children&#039;s father recognize and stop the behaviors that were harming your sons. It is music to an author&#039;s ears.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2889">Happiness</a>.</p>
<p>&#8220;In the process of telling my ex about the therapist whom Dr. Warshak recommended, he ended up buying Dr. Warshak’s “Divorce Poison.” After he read it, he wrote me a very long letter (e-mail) asking for forgiveness for the “alienation” he has caused and point-by-point enumerated the actions he pledged to reverse and cease repeating. It was unbelievable! It was a rite of passage in our post-divorce relationship!&#8221;</p>
<p>It was my hope in writing <em>Divorce Poison</em> that it would help parents who were victims of this problem as well as those who were, or could become, perpetrators. Thanks so much for this note about how my book helped your children&#8217;s father recognize and stop the behaviors that were harming your sons. It is music to an author&#8217;s ears.</p>
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		<title>
		By: [Name withheld by admin]		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2895</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[[Name withheld by admin]]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 14:43:23 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2895</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[&quot;When a child refuses to see a parent who at one time was just a perfectly good, well-loved parent, I sometimes wonder whether the best solution would simply be to short-circuit all the court nonsense and simply plonk the child with the ”hated” parent and let the two of them get on with it as best they can.&quot;

If only it were that easy. In my case, my eleven year old son called me from his summer visit to tearfully tell me he could no longer live with me and had decided to live with his father. It was shocking how fearful he was of me and his reasoning was convoluted. Later, I learned his father had been exacerbating his fears through manipulation; telling him I would remarry soon (I wasn&#039;t even dating anyone and hadn&#039;t had a boyfriend for four years) and he would be &quot;stuck&quot; with me because he wasn&#039;t going to allow him a second chance to decide live with him, in essence it was now or never. Heavy stuff for an eleven year old boy to deal with. Made even more tough by the fact that his obsessive alienating father took no responsibility for it and put it all on my son to &quot;make his own decisions&quot;. My son told me that the &quot;Judge&quot; would care about what he had to say and that in fact, he was of age to make that decision on his own. Clearly, my ex had been grooming him for these responses. I did obtain an attorney, paid her $10,000 but she spent it on correspondence with my ex&#039;s attorney (imagine that), and I had no more funds to even drive to the court house. My ex had me over a financial barrel, our divorce and my ex&#039;s penchant for court room battles ten years earlier, had left me $80,000 in debt to lawyers, I was deficit in funds and emotionally drained.

So my thoughts are that there is no brusque ways to deal with this issue when you must involve the legal system. Outside of abducting my children and absconding with them, the only method available to parents like myself is the broken, over-burdened, inept family court system.

Today, my son is almost eighteen. He still lives with his father as does his younger 17 year old brother, but I never have given up on either of them. It was (and at times still is) the most excruciating experience of my life. I fought hard with urges to give up during the whole marathon, I even was offered a job in Northern California shortly after what I now refer to as the &quot;flood&quot;. At the last minute, I decided to stay and continue to try and reach out. I have reunified with both the boys, they both tell me they love me, visit me (on occasion), call me and text me, remember my birthday and spend time with their grandparents. However, they still hold me at an emotional arms length and question my every word. The distrust they have for me is still the most disturbing for me to deal with. But I count my blessings where I can, at least we are not totally estranged like many other alienated parents. I went back to college to obtain my B.A. and to become a mediator and conflict resolution specialist and both my boys attend my graduation. 

So while I understand the desire for us to have some sort of instantaneous band-aid fix for this problem, I still feel that the best bet is education and support for the targeted parents and the community that support them to keep on keeping on because if we rely on the family court system we might be waiting till the 12th of never.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>&#8220;When a child refuses to see a parent who at one time was just a perfectly good, well-loved parent, I sometimes wonder whether the best solution would simply be to short-circuit all the court nonsense and simply plonk the child with the ”hated” parent and let the two of them get on with it as best they can.&#8221;</p>
<p>If only it were that easy. In my case, my eleven year old son called me from his summer visit to tearfully tell me he could no longer live with me and had decided to live with his father. It was shocking how fearful he was of me and his reasoning was convoluted. Later, I learned his father had been exacerbating his fears through manipulation; telling him I would remarry soon (I wasn&#8217;t even dating anyone and hadn&#8217;t had a boyfriend for four years) and he would be &#8220;stuck&#8221; with me because he wasn&#8217;t going to allow him a second chance to decide live with him, in essence it was now or never. Heavy stuff for an eleven year old boy to deal with. Made even more tough by the fact that his obsessive alienating father took no responsibility for it and put it all on my son to &#8220;make his own decisions&#8221;. My son told me that the &#8220;Judge&#8221; would care about what he had to say and that in fact, he was of age to make that decision on his own. Clearly, my ex had been grooming him for these responses. I did obtain an attorney, paid her $10,000 but she spent it on correspondence with my ex&#8217;s attorney (imagine that), and I had no more funds to even drive to the court house. My ex had me over a financial barrel, our divorce and my ex&#8217;s penchant for court room battles ten years earlier, had left me $80,000 in debt to lawyers, I was deficit in funds and emotionally drained.</p>
<p>So my thoughts are that there is no brusque ways to deal with this issue when you must involve the legal system. Outside of abducting my children and absconding with them, the only method available to parents like myself is the broken, over-burdened, inept family court system.</p>
<p>Today, my son is almost eighteen. He still lives with his father as does his younger 17 year old brother, but I never have given up on either of them. It was (and at times still is) the most excruciating experience of my life. I fought hard with urges to give up during the whole marathon, I even was offered a job in Northern California shortly after what I now refer to as the &#8220;flood&#8221;. At the last minute, I decided to stay and continue to try and reach out. I have reunified with both the boys, they both tell me they love me, visit me (on occasion), call me and text me, remember my birthday and spend time with their grandparents. However, they still hold me at an emotional arms length and question my every word. The distrust they have for me is still the most disturbing for me to deal with. But I count my blessings where I can, at least we are not totally estranged like many other alienated parents. I went back to college to obtain my B.A. and to become a mediator and conflict resolution specialist and both my boys attend my graduation. </p>
<p>So while I understand the desire for us to have some sort of instantaneous band-aid fix for this problem, I still feel that the best bet is education and support for the targeted parents and the community that support them to keep on keeping on because if we rely on the family court system we might be waiting till the 12th of never.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Happiness		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2889</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Happiness]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 04:45:05 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2889</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[Prior to the holidays last year, I went as far as filing an OSC vs my ex because of the incessant, perceptible, escalating parental alienation campaign he was undertaking with our three teenage sons.  We ended up not going to court.  I had reached out to Dr. Warshak to find out if he had any disciples here in Los Angeles who my sons can see as my ex and I awaited our court hearing.  In the process of telling my ex about the therapist whom Dr. Warshak recommended, he ended up buying Dr. Warshak&#039;s &quot;Divorce Poison.&quot;  After he read it, he wrote me a very long letter (e-mail) asking for forgiveness for the &quot;alienation&quot; he has caused and point-by-point enumerated the actions he pledged to reverse and cease repeating.  It was unbelievable!  It was a rite of passage in our post-divorce relationship!  He then traveled to Asia over the holidays and unfortunately got into an accident requiring surgery right there and then.  Pre- or post-surgery, perhaps in a morphine fog, he called me and professed that I am the best thing that has happened his life, that he loves me and always has, and was sorry it did not work out.  That thawed the ice in our very acrimonious relationship resulting in a massive improvement in our co-parenting from that time up to the present, and hopefully, permanently.  I simply cannot envision him resuming to alienate me from my sons again ever after his impassioned declaration that I am &quot;the best thing that has ever happened in his life.&quot;   Presently, we are at the friendliest we have ever been since I filed for divorce in 2008.  Our sons appear much less tense, if at all  They no longer have to walk on eggshells and play the loyalty balancing travesty.   I can discipline them now without first having to think how my action will be translated to the other parent, and how the other parent will use it as yet another reason to disparage my parenting skills, character and emotional/mental health.  The biggest loser in parental alienation are the children!  Do not do it.  Children deserve to love and be loved by both parents without any reservation.  No matter how aggrieved you are by your ex, do not engage in parental alienation.  If you love your children, and who doesn&#039;t, just do not do it.  Stop right now.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Prior to the holidays last year, I went as far as filing an OSC vs my ex because of the incessant, perceptible, escalating parental alienation campaign he was undertaking with our three teenage sons.  We ended up not going to court.  I had reached out to Dr. Warshak to find out if he had any disciples here in Los Angeles who my sons can see as my ex and I awaited our court hearing.  In the process of telling my ex about the therapist whom Dr. Warshak recommended, he ended up buying Dr. Warshak&#8217;s &#8220;Divorce Poison.&#8221;  After he read it, he wrote me a very long letter (e-mail) asking for forgiveness for the &#8220;alienation&#8221; he has caused and point-by-point enumerated the actions he pledged to reverse and cease repeating.  It was unbelievable!  It was a rite of passage in our post-divorce relationship!  He then traveled to Asia over the holidays and unfortunately got into an accident requiring surgery right there and then.  Pre- or post-surgery, perhaps in a morphine fog, he called me and professed that I am the best thing that has happened his life, that he loves me and always has, and was sorry it did not work out.  That thawed the ice in our very acrimonious relationship resulting in a massive improvement in our co-parenting from that time up to the present, and hopefully, permanently.  I simply cannot envision him resuming to alienate me from my sons again ever after his impassioned declaration that I am &#8220;the best thing that has ever happened in his life.&#8221;   Presently, we are at the friendliest we have ever been since I filed for divorce in 2008.  Our sons appear much less tense, if at all  They no longer have to walk on eggshells and play the loyalty balancing travesty.   I can discipline them now without first having to think how my action will be translated to the other parent, and how the other parent will use it as yet another reason to disparage my parenting skills, character and emotional/mental health.  The biggest loser in parental alienation are the children!  Do not do it.  Children deserve to love and be loved by both parents without any reservation.  No matter how aggrieved you are by your ex, do not engage in parental alienation.  If you love your children, and who doesn&#8217;t, just do not do it.  Stop right now.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Name withheld by admin		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2888</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Name withheld by admin]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 04:02:28 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2888</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2882&quot;&gt;Dr. Richard A. Warshak&lt;/a&gt;.

Dr. Warshak,  I would place bets that you have NEVER heard of a worse case of parental alienation than mine. Thanks for your book. It gave me an understanding of a baffling situation which still only worsens with time. Although I was awarded custody, eight children were systematically persuaded (through the lies of an actively but secret alcoholic father plus grandparents who had their own motivations to participate and also swallowed his lies) to believe that I was (am) an uneccessary &quot;non-human&quot; without any value at all, not only detrimental to their life and happiness but also the primary &quot;cause&quot; of whatever unhappiness they might experience in their lives. My children&#039;s deep, irrational, gut-level visceral hatred grows only stronger, and I am amazed that such intelligent children (one coming out of med school and two going in) can be so unintelligent in the area of  personally &quot;chosen&quot; parental &quot;loyalty.&quot; They actually believe they are obligated to make a &quot;choice&quot; between parents as their Dad requires. Your cult leader analogy is right on but I couldn&#039;t/ can&#039;t fight it. It&#039;s demonic and has had to be completely turned over to God. Unfortunately, not any of the suggestions in your book helped though I think they were excellent. After a while pride kicks in. My parents and children were/ are too proud to admit they were tricked by a secret alcoholic [who was primrily protecting his habit] into serious misjudgements of my character, so much so that it&#039;s reached the point where they will grasp at any straws to keep their &quot;story&quot; about me going.  They&#039;ve all based their actions and attitudes, for so many years, on the belief that I&#039;m mentally unstable (&quot;bipolar, schizophrenic, an unfit mother, etc.&quot; - no truth to any of it), even though the facts about the lies they&#039;ve been sold have now been exposed for years. My chldren and parents refuse to look at the evidence or change their opinions, I believe, in order to  save face (my mother perpetrated much of the slander against me motivated by her emotionally needy desire to raise my children herself  to ease her &quot;empty nest&quot; syndrome it seems.) So I have had a double and triple dose of alienation poison - the syndrome in my case started WAY before the divorce! I cope with the grief the best I can. If you ever wnat to use my story on a talk interview I&#039;ll tell it - but it&#039;s too painful for most people to even tolerate hearing so mostly I keep it to myself. Worst part - I am a psychiatric RN and a licensed professional and marriage and family counselor! I can help others but I couldn&#039;t/ can&#039;t help my self or my own family.....I wrote you once before. If you ever need an instructor for families experiencing this problem in the [location withheld by admin] area I&#039;d be willing to help out.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2882">Dr. Richard A. Warshak</a>.</p>
<p>Dr. Warshak,  I would place bets that you have NEVER heard of a worse case of parental alienation than mine. Thanks for your book. It gave me an understanding of a baffling situation which still only worsens with time. Although I was awarded custody, eight children were systematically persuaded (through the lies of an actively but secret alcoholic father plus grandparents who had their own motivations to participate and also swallowed his lies) to believe that I was (am) an uneccessary &#8220;non-human&#8221; without any value at all, not only detrimental to their life and happiness but also the primary &#8220;cause&#8221; of whatever unhappiness they might experience in their lives. My children&#8217;s deep, irrational, gut-level visceral hatred grows only stronger, and I am amazed that such intelligent children (one coming out of med school and two going in) can be so unintelligent in the area of  personally &#8220;chosen&#8221; parental &#8220;loyalty.&#8221; They actually believe they are obligated to make a &#8220;choice&#8221; between parents as their Dad requires. Your cult leader analogy is right on but I couldn&#8217;t/ can&#8217;t fight it. It&#8217;s demonic and has had to be completely turned over to God. Unfortunately, not any of the suggestions in your book helped though I think they were excellent. After a while pride kicks in. My parents and children were/ are too proud to admit they were tricked by a secret alcoholic [who was primrily protecting his habit] into serious misjudgements of my character, so much so that it&#8217;s reached the point where they will grasp at any straws to keep their &#8220;story&#8221; about me going.  They&#8217;ve all based their actions and attitudes, for so many years, on the belief that I&#8217;m mentally unstable (&#8220;bipolar, schizophrenic, an unfit mother, etc.&#8221; &#8211; no truth to any of it), even though the facts about the lies they&#8217;ve been sold have now been exposed for years. My chldren and parents refuse to look at the evidence or change their opinions, I believe, in order to  save face (my mother perpetrated much of the slander against me motivated by her emotionally needy desire to raise my children herself  to ease her &#8220;empty nest&#8221; syndrome it seems.) So I have had a double and triple dose of alienation poison &#8211; the syndrome in my case started WAY before the divorce! I cope with the grief the best I can. If you ever wnat to use my story on a talk interview I&#8217;ll tell it &#8211; but it&#8217;s too painful for most people to even tolerate hearing so mostly I keep it to myself. Worst part &#8211; I am a psychiatric RN and a licensed professional and marriage and family counselor! I can help others but I couldn&#8217;t/ can&#8217;t help my self or my own family&#8230;..I wrote you once before. If you ever need an instructor for families experiencing this problem in the [location withheld by admin] area I&#8217;d be willing to help out.</p>
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		<title>
		By: devon williams		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2886</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[devon williams]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 03:09:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2886</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880&quot;&gt;Paul Zieleniewski&lt;/a&gt;.

I wish that had been the decision in my case - even though I was awarded legal custody, 8 children were denied a mom and lost to a father&#039;s lies. They were actually &quot;taught&quot; to believe that their life has been and is much enhanced without a mother...]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880">Paul Zieleniewski</a>.</p>
<p>I wish that had been the decision in my case &#8211; even though I was awarded legal custody, 8 children were denied a mom and lost to a father&#8217;s lies. They were actually &#8220;taught&#8221; to believe that their life has been and is much enhanced without a mother&#8230;</p>
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		<title>
		By: Deb		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2885</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Deb]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Apr 2011 02:57:01 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2885</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880&quot;&gt;Paul Zieleniewski&lt;/a&gt;.

Unfortunately, alienation can occur against a custodial parent, as it did in my case, so placing the child in the alienated parent&#039;s custody is no guarantee. The non-custodial parent can use his or her status as the &quot;Disneyland Parent&quot; to buy the child(ren)&#039;s loyalty, and paint the parent who has to do the daily parenting and discipline as the &quot;mean parent&quot;.

This happened to me, and I eventually had to send my 15 year-old daughter to live with her father to protect her younger siblings. Despite individual and family therapy, and even a year of residential treatment for her more destructive behaviors, we were unable to control her behavior. She became physically and verbally abusive to me and took her younger sisters with her when she ran away from home. Her therapists, social workers and the court all agreed that her father was exploiting and encouraging her behaviors in an attempt to win custody of her and her sisters, but conceded that removing her from our home was in the best interest of everyone. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to agree. I could not save her from herself, but I could save her younger sisters, as well as the rest of our family, from the hell she was putting us through.
 
After she went to live with her father, I had no contact with her for six months because, &quot;She does not want to see you.&quot; The social workers said the cooling-off period would be good, but it deepened her alienation against me. After that, her father allowed me to see her (actually the social workers forced him), but insisted my visits be limited to two hours in a public place. The social workers said we could gradually increase the visits, but then the juvenile court dismissed her case, and her father never allowed our visits to progress beyond two hours. 

She is an adult now. I&#039;m glad I never gave up, because we at least have a little bit of a relationship to build on rather than having a daughter that refuses to have any contact with me. Her younger sisters, thankfully, never were successfully alienated from me, though they were made to testify against me in court. Thankfully, the judge acknowledged their father&#039;s role in alienating my oldest (though he never used the word), and even suggested his parental rights should be terminated. His rights were not terminated because I had not petitioned for it. I sometimes wish I had, but then I would have been no better than him, and my kids would be the victims again. 

My younger daughters are entering into adulthood now, and are starting to see the truth on their own. I actually have to defend their father as &quot;letting his anger and bitterness toward me cloud his judgment&quot;, because they need to believe they are the product of two people who love them very much, and despite our mistakes, deserve to be loved, too. I am determined that any judgments they make against their father will not be a result of my influence, but the results of his own actions and omissions.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880">Paul Zieleniewski</a>.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, alienation can occur against a custodial parent, as it did in my case, so placing the child in the alienated parent&#8217;s custody is no guarantee. The non-custodial parent can use his or her status as the &#8220;Disneyland Parent&#8221; to buy the child(ren)&#8217;s loyalty, and paint the parent who has to do the daily parenting and discipline as the &#8220;mean parent&#8221;.</p>
<p>This happened to me, and I eventually had to send my 15 year-old daughter to live with her father to protect her younger siblings. Despite individual and family therapy, and even a year of residential treatment for her more destructive behaviors, we were unable to control her behavior. She became physically and verbally abusive to me and took her younger sisters with her when she ran away from home. Her therapists, social workers and the court all agreed that her father was exploiting and encouraging her behaviors in an attempt to win custody of her and her sisters, but conceded that removing her from our home was in the best interest of everyone. Unfortunately, I had no choice but to agree. I could not save her from herself, but I could save her younger sisters, as well as the rest of our family, from the hell she was putting us through.</p>
<p>After she went to live with her father, I had no contact with her for six months because, &#8220;She does not want to see you.&#8221; The social workers said the cooling-off period would be good, but it deepened her alienation against me. After that, her father allowed me to see her (actually the social workers forced him), but insisted my visits be limited to two hours in a public place. The social workers said we could gradually increase the visits, but then the juvenile court dismissed her case, and her father never allowed our visits to progress beyond two hours. </p>
<p>She is an adult now. I&#8217;m glad I never gave up, because we at least have a little bit of a relationship to build on rather than having a daughter that refuses to have any contact with me. Her younger sisters, thankfully, never were successfully alienated from me, though they were made to testify against me in court. Thankfully, the judge acknowledged their father&#8217;s role in alienating my oldest (though he never used the word), and even suggested his parental rights should be terminated. His rights were not terminated because I had not petitioned for it. I sometimes wish I had, but then I would have been no better than him, and my kids would be the victims again. </p>
<p>My younger daughters are entering into adulthood now, and are starting to see the truth on their own. I actually have to defend their father as &#8220;letting his anger and bitterness toward me cloud his judgment&#8221;, because they need to believe they are the product of two people who love them very much, and despite our mistakes, deserve to be loved, too. I am determined that any judgments they make against their father will not be a result of my influence, but the results of his own actions and omissions.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Dr. Richard A. Warshak		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2882</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Dr. Richard A. Warshak]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:58:31 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2882</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[In reply to &lt;a href=&quot;https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2866&quot;&gt;EC&lt;/a&gt;.

If children&#039;s stated preferences ruled the outcome of custody disputes, there would be little need for custody litigation. Simply ask the child. Very soon people would realize the pitfalls of this approach. What happens when the child changes his mind the next week, perhaps in exchange for a new video game, or in response to a punishment perceived as unfair?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>In reply to <a href="https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2866">EC</a>.</p>
<p>If children&#8217;s stated preferences ruled the outcome of custody disputes, there would be little need for custody litigation. Simply ask the child. Very soon people would realize the pitfalls of this approach. What happens when the child changes his mind the next week, perhaps in exchange for a new video game, or in response to a punishment perceived as unfair?</p>
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		<title>
		By: Amyadoptee		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2881</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Amyadoptee]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Apr 2011 22:42:11 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2881</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[This case sound ironically similar to my situation.  My ex would like to cease visitation of my children but I am hoping to get with you in the next month to arrange either straight up therapy with you or maybe you can recommend someone in the Austin area.  I am hoping that  you can help me put an end to the parental alienation that he keeps pushing on our daughters.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>This case sound ironically similar to my situation.  My ex would like to cease visitation of my children but I am hoping to get with you in the next month to arrange either straight up therapy with you or maybe you can recommend someone in the Austin area.  I am hoping that  you can help me put an end to the parental alienation that he keeps pushing on our daughters.</p>
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		<title>
		By: Paul Zieleniewski		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2880</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Paul Zieleniewski]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Apr 2011 20:56:37 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2880</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[It seems to me that in half these cases alienation occurs as a by-product of the litigation itself. In other words it&#039;s a psycho-social response to the &#039;&#039;system&#039;&#039;  embroiling the child (whether family justice or perhaps child protection too) who has become the subject of dispute between two parents. The system gets involved, takes over and the poor child becomes the subject of reports and litigation that goes on &#039;&#039;for ever&#039;&#039;. Alienation sets in and worsens with the passage of time. 

When a child refuses to see a parent who at one time was just a perfectly good, well-loved parent, I sometimes wonder whether the best solution would simply be to short-circuit all the court nonsense and simply plonk the child with the &#039;&#039;hated&#039;&#039; parent and let the two of them get on with it as best they can. I reckon the hate would soon dissipate and the child would come round to enjoying a more or less normal relationship with the parent simply because it would have to. This is intentionally a simplistic summary but I often wonder whether we are making too much of a child&#039;s immediate welfare and therefore going for &#039;&#039;stepping stone&#039;&#039; type approaches where a more brusque approach would do the trick in a fraction of the time. Thoughts anyone?]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>It seems to me that in half these cases alienation occurs as a by-product of the litigation itself. In other words it&#8217;s a psycho-social response to the &#8221;system&#8221;  embroiling the child (whether family justice or perhaps child protection too) who has become the subject of dispute between two parents. The system gets involved, takes over and the poor child becomes the subject of reports and litigation that goes on &#8221;for ever&#8221;. Alienation sets in and worsens with the passage of time. </p>
<p>When a child refuses to see a parent who at one time was just a perfectly good, well-loved parent, I sometimes wonder whether the best solution would simply be to short-circuit all the court nonsense and simply plonk the child with the &#8221;hated&#8221; parent and let the two of them get on with it as best they can. I reckon the hate would soon dissipate and the child would come round to enjoying a more or less normal relationship with the parent simply because it would have to. This is intentionally a simplistic summary but I often wonder whether we are making too much of a child&#8217;s immediate welfare and therefore going for &#8221;stepping stone&#8221; type approaches where a more brusque approach would do the trick in a fraction of the time. Thoughts anyone?</p>
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		<title>
		By: Janta		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2873</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[Janta]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Apr 2011 07:18:24 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2873</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[I am so relieved for that mum!  I know what it is like when the courts do not get it - especially when older children and teens are involved - and I am glad the outcome for her was different.  It will continue to be tough for her, though, and I wish her all the best, should she read this by chance.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>I am so relieved for that mum!  I know what it is like when the courts do not get it &#8211; especially when older children and teens are involved &#8211; and I am glad the outcome for her was different.  It will continue to be tough for her, though, and I wish her all the best, should she read this by chance.</p>
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		<title>
		By: EC		</title>
		<link>https://warshak.com/blog/2011/04/23/ny-higher-court-decision-on-parental-alienation/#comment-2866</link>

		<dc:creator><![CDATA[EC]]></dc:creator>
		<pubDate>Mon, 25 Apr 2011 01:03:26 +0000</pubDate>
		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://warshak.com/blog/?p=479#comment-2866</guid>

					<description><![CDATA[The appeal as well as the original action under consideration here---both losing---were, interestingly, brought by neither parent, but by the court appointed attorney for the children.

I&#039;ve seen at least one attempt recently by a state legislator critical of the concept of parental alienation, to change the state&#039;s law toward requiring judges to accept children&#039;s stated custody preferences mostly at face value, arguing of course that this would show more regard and respect for the child and their best interest.]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>The appeal as well as the original action under consideration here&#8212;both losing&#8212;were, interestingly, brought by neither parent, but by the court appointed attorney for the children.</p>
<p>I&#8217;ve seen at least one attempt recently by a state legislator critical of the concept of parental alienation, to change the state&#8217;s law toward requiring judges to accept children&#8217;s stated custody preferences mostly at face value, arguing of course that this would show more regard and respect for the child and their best interest.</p>
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