Problems in a parent–child relationship can occur when a parent mistakenly believes a child is becoming alienated. There is a difference between a child who succumbs to a parent’s toxic influence by pulling away from the other parent, and a child who merely feels closer to one parent.
Whether you are married or separated, it is normal to worry that your child’s closer connection to your partner or former partner is a harbinger of alienation. You may be right. But it is important to remember that children go through phases in their life when they feel more comfortable with one parent than the other. And the chosen parent often changes over time.
I think of this as your being on the same wavelength with the other parent. Do not confuse this with alienation. If your child loves you and spends time with you, you do not need to worry. Concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship rather than compete with the other parent. Parent-child compatibilities are normal. Accepting your child’s natural inclinations will strengthen your bond. Protesting these inclinations will introduce unnecessary tension in the relationship and, paradoxically, might push the child toward becoming alienated.
In one family after the divorce, a girl complained that her father acts displeased when she misses her mom and wants to touch base with a phone call. This girl wanted her father to know that she loves him and enjoys spending time with him, but sometimes she just wants to speak with her mother.
A child who is challenged to defend a preference for one parent may find it difficult to articulate her reasons for the preference. If she is pressed for an explanation, and unable to come up with it, she may try to justify her preference by reciting a list of minor grievances about the less-preferred parent. This can be mistaken for the litany of trivial reasons irrationally alienated children recite when trying to justify their rejection of their parent.
The nature of the child’s relationship with her parents may become complicated. When we think only about what we don’t like about a person, it becomes more difficult to hold a balanced view of that person. Emotions become skewed in a negative direction. Thus, what began as an expression of closeness to one parent while clearly loving both parents and enjoying time with each, morphs into some degree of rejection of a parent. If the child then begins to resist contact with the less-preferred parent, and especially if the other parent supports the child’s wish to avoid the rejected parent, it can be difficult for an evaluator, therapist, or judge to understand the origin of the problem.
Keep all this in mind if your child shows an affinity for your spouse or former partner. Do not make the mistake of mistaking this for alienation. If you do, your behavior may help to bring about the alienation you fear. Instead, support your child’s natural inclination, remind yourself that children go through phases in life where they feel closer to one parent or the other, and find activities that your child enjoys doing with you.
Problems in a parent–child relationship can occur when a parent mistakenly believes that a child is becoming alienated. There is a difference between a child who succumbs to a parent’s toxic influence by pulling away from the other parent, and a child who merely feels closer to one parent.
When you are involved in a custody dispute it is normal to worry that your child’s closer connection to your soon-to-be former partner is a harbinger of alienation. You may be right. But it is important to remember that even in non-divorced families, children go through phases in their life when they feel more comfortable with one parent than the other. And the golden parent often changes over time.
“If your child seems to occupy the same wavelength as your ex, don’t confuse this with alienation. As long as your child loves you and spends time with you, this is not something to worry about. Concentrate on the positive aspects of your relationship rather than compete with the other parent. Parent-child compatibilities are normal and may shift in time. Accepting your child’s natural inclinations will strengthen your bond. Protesting these inclinations will introduce unnecessary tension in the relationship.” You will find these words, and more on the roots of children’s parental preferences, in Divorce Poison. You will also find the tools to distinguish, and present to a court, the difference between a child who prefers one parent and a child who has been taught to reject the other parent.
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