“Dying would be easier,” wrote one mother whose children cut her out of their lives.
Estranged parents’ pain, suffering, and grief are palpable to anyone who reads the comments on this Facebook page.
A mother referred to her breast cancer as “a walk in the park compared to parental alienation.” Contrasting the two, she wrote, “Parental alienation is worse than breast cancer because with cancer I have a team of doctors that step in and take control. They are compassionate and loving and they know exactly what to do. My friends and family believe me. People understand the seriousness of it and the devastation it causes. And it’s covered by insurance.”
A psychotherapist described the experience as “daily and all encompassing grief” made worse because family and friends either do not understand it or grow weary of hearing about it. Those who leave a comment to this post will find a receptive online community who understands their pain. If your family needs enlightening, share this post with them.
Every day I field correspondence from despondent mothers and fathers. They suffer from what Pauline Boss labeled “ambiguous loss.” The loss is ambiguous because, until the end of your life, you have no way of knowing whether the loss is permanent, or whether one day your children will return.
Some of these parents escaped coercive controlling spouses, only to find that a vindictive ex-spouse has manipulated the children to blame the parent who left a miserable marriage. A courageous move intended to set a renewed course for a fulfilled life transforms into a trigger for the worst sort of loss a parent can face.
“Even sure knowledge of death is more welcome than a continuation of doubt,” wrote Boss.
“I have never played a victim card,” said one father, “but I certainly am one.” He added, “The sadness is overwhelming. I can’t watch a movie with a young girl in it, or a child interacting with a father. I am frequently unable to answer when people ask about my daughter. Not that I don’t know what to say (sometimes yes, sometimes no), but I am unable to get the words out. When I start thinking about her, I may lose an entire day to just sitting around, restless, trying to force myself to think about other things. I find myself tearing up when I see people in parks playing with their kids, especially dads.”
This father’s loss—and the uncertain loss of all estranged fathers and mothers—cannot be fully mourned. The grief goes on and on, unabated, zapping physical and psychological energies.
One alienated mother, ironically a professional who works with child custody cases, described my book, DIVORCE POISON, as a eulogy for her own situation. “I can’t seem to find solace for the deep state of mourning I’m in. I’m grief-stricken, heartbroken at the loss of my daughter. My tears are too close to the surface and I’ve said for some time that for me it is worse than death. It is an unresolved, needless loss but the worst part isn’t even about me. I mourn for my daughter who will never again have her sense of delight in the world.”
This professional mother reminds us that estranged parents, as adults, have resources to face their losses with courage and resiliency. Estranged children, though, often need help to claim their birthright to give and receive love from two parents.
#ParentalAlienation #DivorcePoison #warshak