Be on the lookout for a new trend in parental alienation scholarship.
Facing opposition to the term “parental alienation,” professionals now refer to “resist-refuse dynamics” and “parent–child contact problems.” Well intentioned. But possibly misguided.
These new buzz phrases characterize the problem as a child’s unwillingness to spend time with a parent. For sure, pulling way physically is one aspect of a child’s rejection of a parent. But any parent rejected by a child knows the problem cuts deeper than the child’s avoidance of contact. At least of equal concern are the child’s distorted thoughts, memories, and feelings about the parent who is irrationally rejected.
A term that conveys only the child’s physical avoidance misses the mental components of the problem. It reminds me of the title of a book’s chapter on behaviorism: “Psychology Out of Its Mind.”
Severely alienated children believe (or claim to believe) the worst about the parent they reject. They revile and demonize the parent as dangerous, worthless, unloving, unlovable, or all of these. And in place of affection, alienated children hate or fear the rejected parent.
In other words, the problem is not merely that the child resists or refuses contact. The problem includes the child’s negative thoughts, attitudes, and feelings about the rejected parent.
In fact, the problem usually begins with a parent grooming a child to focus on the other parent’s flaws—either exaggerated or manufactured. Negative thoughts, attitudes, and feelings—with an accelerating drumbeat of complaints—occur in the early stage of the problem. “You broke up our family.” “You care more about your boyfriend/girlfriend than you do about your own children.” The alienated child does not necessarily resist or refuse contact during this early stage.
Refusing contact is the end stage. If professionals use a term restricted to this end stage, they may miss opportunities to address the problem in its mild stages, nip it in the bud, and prevent further deterioration of the parent–child relationship.
When dealing with moderate or severe cases of irrational alienation, we want to understand why the child resists or refuses contact—the “dynamics” referred to in the phrase “resist-refuse dynamics”—and help the child overcome the problem if refusing contact is not in the child’s best interests. But we also want to understand why the child harbors such negative thoughts and feelings about the parent, and we need to help the child overcome irrational beliefs and unwarranted feelings.
Consider this analogy. Suppose a group of elementary schoolchildren routinely avoid classmates of a different race and exclude them from their games during recess. The problem is not just lack of contact between the two groups. The problem extends to the children’s negative stereotypes about, and denigrations of, the children of another race. We should not be content merely to require the children to play together—to overcome the apparent discrimination. The children need help to overcome their prejudice, their negative beliefs and attitudes and their emotional aversion to people of another race.
Another analogy. Your teenager is recruited into a cult. The cult prohibits its members from being in contact with family who are not members of the cult, teaching that “outsiders” are evil and unworthy of respect. You will not be satisfied merely to have your child leave the cult compound and spend time with you. You will need to free your child from the psychological grasp of the cult’s teachings, so that your child recovers past affectionate bonds and no longer thinks of you as evil. You want your child back, not just in body, but also in soul.
I will keep an open mind about the value of using phrases like “resist-refuse dynamics” and “parent–child contact problems” in place of “parental alienation.” But until I hear or read a cogent argument for the new buzz phrases, I will resist using a term that refers only to one aspect and one stage of a complex problem.
P. S. I would be interested to read comments from alienated parents. Did your child begin to complain and disparage you before refusing contact? And which is worse? That your child does not want to spend time with you, or that your child demonizes and despises you? Or is it impossible to separate or rank order these aspects of a troubled relationship?
#ParentalAlienation #DivorcePoison #resist-refuse-dynamics