“The Name Game,” a popular song from the mid-1960s, playfully turns first names into nonsense rhymes. Harmless. Catchy. Innocent fun.
The Name Game I describe in Divorce Poison and, in greater depth, in The Psychology of Alienated Children is neither innocent nor fun. It is a maneuver that both reflects and deepens a child’s damaged relationship with a parent. In many families, it is one of the earliest—and least ambiguous—signs of alienating behavior.
Although the parent with whom the children are aligned usually drives the process, the outcome depends in part on how the children respond and how the targeted parent handles these maneuvers.
Here are three common forms of name manipulation.
1. Pejorative Labeling
Alienating parents allow children to overhear them referring to the other parent—or to grandparents—only in derogatory terms: witch, whore, tightwad, addict, evil, or worse.
Through the psychological processes I detail in The Psychology of Alienated Children, children often come to adopt these labels as their own. What begins as exposure becomes repetition; repetition becomes belief.
When a child addresses a parent by first name, the symbolic shift can erode the parent’s authority and status.
2. Putting Children on a First-Name Basis with a Parent
When speaking to their children, alienating parents refer to the other parent by first name instead of Mom or Dad—and encourage the children to do the same.
Names structure relationships. When a child addresses a parent by first name, the symbolic shift can erode the parent’s authority and status. The title disappears; the hierarchy blurs.
Some parents go further. They forbid children to use Mom or Dad when referring to the targeted parent. At the same time, they may encourage—or pressure—the child to use those titles for a stepparent.
3. Renaming the Child
Abducting parents often create aliases for their children to evade detection. But even without abduction, some parents change a child’s name.
Most often this involves a mother wanting the child to share her surname—whether her maiden name or the name of her new husband. Sometimes the motive is practical: avoiding confusion at school or sidestepping awkward explanations about divorce. Sometimes it is emotional: distancing daily life from reminders of a former marriage.
The practice becomes more insidious when it serves a broader campaign to erase the child’s connection to the other parent. The new name, an alias unless there was a legal change, finds its way onto school records, medical charts, even tax returns.
First names are not immune. Fathers as well as mothers may reject a child’s given name because it reflects the other parent’s heritage or family ties. A name with ethnic roots may be anglicized or replaced entirely. The child’s identity is reshaped to fit the goal of alienating the child from the other parent and from that parent’s family.
A future post will explore how to respond effectively if you are the target of the Name Game.
To end on a lighter note, here is Shirley Ellis performing “The Name Game”—the innocent and playful version.