When a parent talks trash about the other parent directly to the children, a common rationalization is, “My children deserve to know the truth.” You will observe that “the truth” in these situations always refers to negative comments about the other parent. Positive comments about the parent are completely absent. And, “the truth” somehow never includes anything negative about the parent doing the trash-talking.
Through such conversations children learn that one parent wants to hear only negative things about the other. Children learn to squelch expressions of pleasure they enjoyed with the other parent. They learn to hide from one parent the positive feelings they have for the other parent. In such cases “favored” parents believe that they have a very close relationship with their children. They fail to realize that their open animosity to the other parent results in their children feeling unable to share an important part of themselves — their identification with their other parent.
As I discuss in the first chapter of Divorce Poison, there are situations where children need to be told negative things about their other parent. If the parent’s behavior harms the children, the children deserve help to understand what is going on, and particularly to avoid blaming themselves for their parent’s bad behavior. An example of when it helps to discuss with children negative things about their other parent is when that parent has a drinking problem, or is violent.
A future blog post will give my test for distinguishing between helpful and harmful criticism of the other parent. Those who prefer not to be kept waiting can read Part One of the future post (describing the test but without examples of its application) on my website by clicking here.
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