Why Did You and Daddy Get Divorced?

When parents decide to divorce they face the difficult challenge of telling the children. The task is so difficult that about one in four parents say nothing to the children. They leave the kids to figure out for themselves what is happening to their family. Only one in twenty parents do it right. They explain what is going on, what is going to happen, and what will be different for the children. And they promote an atmosphere in which kids feel free to ask questions and express their worries.

Even more difficult is the task of explaining to children the reasons for the divorce. Children will ask why, and they need and deserve an explanation that takes into account their intellectual and emotional maturity. In some situations, particularly with older children, the reasons for the divorce will necessarily include facts that will lead the children to hold one parent more responsible than the other.

Years ago I consulted to a couple struggling with this task. The mother became pregnant in the course of an extramarital affair and decided to leave her husband and three sons to move to another city and marry her lover. Naturally the children knew what their mother had done. They were liable to blame the divorce on her behavior. But even in this situation, the information can be conveyed to the children in a manner that does not encourage them to reject their mother. Without condoning the mother’s behavior, the father can explain to his sons that he was not able to make their mother happy enough to stay in the marriage.

If we feel wronged, or do not want the divorce, we may want to tell the children that the divorce is the other parent’s entire fault. Question 1 of the Warshak Test asks parents to search for motives. This will usually reveal that our wish to blame the divorce entirely on the other parent has less to do with our children’s needs than our own.

At least three motives drive our desire to assign blame. First, we want to deflect blame from ourselves. We want to avoid accepting responsibility for the failure of our marriage. We do not want our children to be angry with us and we do not want to feel guilty for hurting them. Second, we want our children’s sympathy and alliance. Third, we want to punish our spouse. By making the other parent the bad guy, we manipulate the children to be angry with, and perhaps even turn against, the other parent.

The message that our spouse is to blame for the divorce, therefore, carries three hidden requests. “Don’t be mad at me. Pity me. Join me in being angry at your other parent.” None of these serves our children.

Perhaps even more to the point, many people are wrong in blaming the failure of their marriage entirely on their ex-spouse. Though the initial decision to divorce might not have been their own, in the majority of cases both spouses contributed to the marital difficulties. (Before an angry chorus erupts, let me quickly add that in some higher conflict cases, such as those with allegations of physical or emotional abuse, it is mistake to blame both spouses equally for the failure of the marriage. See Stop Divorce Poison for further clarification.) An honest answer to question 1, therefore, puts us on notice that we may be about to indulge our destructive urges under the guise of helping our children.

Question 2: Are my children being harmed by not having the information I am about to reveal? The answer to this question gives no justification for telling the children that their other parent is fully responsible for the divorce: How can we say that they will be harmed by not hearing this?

Question 3: How will it help the children to hear what I am about to tell them? It is difficult to think of any clear benefit they would gain by hearing our opinion that the other parent is totally at fault. (This does not mean that we should deprive children of an explanation for the divorce.)

Question 4: Do the possible benefits of revealing this to the children outweigh the possible risks? This question forces us to acknowledge that placing blame gives our children no particular advantage in coping with the divorce, and it creates a clear risk. The children may share our anger. This may add unnecessary strain to their relationship with their other parent, thereby impeding their adjustment to the divorce.

Question 5: If I were still happily married to my spouse, and I wanted to protect our children’s relationship with him or her, how would I handle the situation? This question helps us identify the type of explanation that would best suit the needs of our children and protect their relationship with both parents. This will vary, depending on the circumstances of the marital conflict. But most helpful accounts of the divorce will avoid laying exclusive blame on one parent. The children will learn that their parents have decided to end their marriage. They may hear that the parents do not get along, or make each other unhappy. They may even learn of extramarital affairs. But they will be reassured that the divorce is not their fault. They will not be asked to take sides in the conflict. They will not have to view either parent as “the bad guy.”

Next in this series: When Silence Is Not Golden