In The Psychology of Alienated Children (Chapter 10), I describe the similarity between teaching children to hate people of another race and teaching children to hate a parent.
One way to propagate hatred is using offensive words when referring to the intended object of hatred. Without thinking, when children hear and use these words they absorb the hatred tied to the label. Witch, deadbeat, whore, d*head, ahole, psycho, addict, Satan.
You will find detailed strategies for responding to bad-mouthing, bashing, and brainwashing, in my book, “Divorce Poison.” Here are some tips.
If your children refer to you by one of these bad names, do not overreact. Ask them where they learned to use that word to describe you. Ask them how they feel about what they heard and tell them that it must have been very uncomfortable to hear their other parent say unkind things about you.
In some cases, you can help children become aware that they are developing a prejudice against you. For instance, an alienated mother can tell the children that she knows that their father encourages them to act like they belong to an “I hate Mommy club,” But this is not a fun club, and children can choose not to be a part of it.
If the bad label exaggerates a mistake that you once made, and your children know about the mistake, acknowledge the facts. A mother constantly referred to the children’s father as “that drunk” because in his college days, 20 years earlier, the father was arrested for driving while intoxicated. The father admitted he made this mistake and warned his children not to make the same mistake when they are older. But then he asked them, “Why do you think your mom told you about that.” The discussion led to the children realizing that their mom wanted them to share her hatred of their dad.
This father told his children that making mistakes is part of being human. It does not make you a bad person. We should not identify a person with his worst mistake. For instance, if we identified Babe Ruth only with his strikeout record, we would hold a distorted view of his talent and performance.
If your ex used a pejorative label to convey things that are not true, you could simply tell your children that their other parent is mistaken. Clarify reality. For instance, if the other parent says that you “abandoned the family,” explain that getting a divorce does not mean abandoning your family.
If bad-mouthing is more frequent or pervasive, parents should try to get the other parent to stop the destructive behavior. Usually it is best to enlist the support of a third party to discourage parents from bad-mouthing. This can be any trusted person: a relative, friend, member of the clergy, therapist, parenting coordinator, or an attorney appointed by the court to represent the children’s best interests. This person should confront both parents with their obligation to protect the children from their conflicts.
Some bad-mouthing parents need only to have their attention drawn to their destructive behavior. If they fail to recognize the harm in bad-mouthing, they should think about the fact that children identify with both parents. This means that children experience bad-mouthing of a parent as a personal attack. It is a put-down of that aspect of themselves that identifies with the maligned parent. This is one reason that bad-mouthing and pejorative labeling diminishes a child’s self-esteem.
Parents who are victims of pejorative labeling should let the children know that they disapprove of such behavior. The children need help to understand the name-calling and they need an affirmation of proper standards of behavior. They can be reminded that they have always been taught to be polite to others and this certainly applies to their parents and other relatives.
One mother told her children, “Daddy is very angry with me and that is why he is calling me names. But you know, deep down in your heart, that it is wrong to call people names, even when you’re angry with them. We can’t stop Daddy from doing this, but I want you to be clear in your mind that when he does this, he is making a big mistake. Remember that Daddy and I always taught you not to call people names and to respect adults.”
Children know that the alienating parent’s behavior is wrong. By addressing name-calling directly, a parent or therapist validates the children’s judgment, helps them cope with it, and neutralizes its destructive potential. The goal is to help children recognize pejorative labeling as an attempt to manipulate their feelings and thereby resist such manipulation.
Parents must exercise self-restraint in the face of an ex-spouse’s efforts to alienate the children. Impulses to retaliate are natural particularly if the children are beginning to succumb to a campaign of hatred. Responding to pejorative labeling with harsh punishment of the children or angry exchanges with the ex-spouse can escalate hostility. Also, this plays into the hands of the alienating parent; even one lapse of judgment can be raised repeatedly in court and exaggerated to create the impression that it is typical of the rejected parent’s behavior. Such behavior will then be mistaken as the cause of alienation, rather than an isolated, desperate reaction to it.
Children who are primed to see a parent in a bad light will seize upon any such reactions to justify their rejection of the parent. Parents who are tempted to retaliate need to understand that the advice to help children cope with bad-mouthing is not a license to bad-mouth in return. In addition, reactive and retaliatory behaviors make it more difficult for custody evaluators and judges to understand the roots of the problem.
If your child’s negativity is too entrenched to respond to attempts to stop the name-calling, you must develop a thick skin. You must learn to withstand your children’s verbal aggression and provocative behaviors. DIVORCE POISON explains why this important and how exactly parents can respond effectively to pejorative labels.