Holidays can be times of great joy when families build shared positive memories. Holidays can also be times of great stress, blues, and depression. When parents live apart from each other, they need to make a special effort to work together to ensure that their children enjoy good holiday memories. These tips should help you avoid the pitfalls that detract from the pleasures of the holiday season. I know some of you face the unfortunate situation of dealing with a former spouse who will not cooperate. This makes it more difficult and maybe impossible to implement these tips. If this is true for you, consider using the Share/Save link at the end of the column to bring this material to the attention of your ex to help educate him or her about how to help the children.
Plan ahead. Make sure that everyone knows the holiday schedule. It helps children feel more secure when they know exactly when they will be in each home. Disorganized parents, and those who manipulate the holiday schedule in order to get more time than allotted or to interfere with the other parent’s plans, add to children’s stress.
Make the transition between homes easier for your children. Have their bags packed and help them anticipate having a good time. Do not make them feel that it is going to be too difficult for you to be left alone. It is not a child’s job to relieve a parent’s loneliness.
Coordinate expensive gifts with your ex. Consider giving some gifts from both of you.
Encourage extended family to stay focused on the children. If there are step-siblings and half-siblings in the picture, help grandparents understand the importance of making all the children feel included.
Have reasonable expectations. If you compare your holiday celebrations to the ones in movies or to your romanticized memories of your childhood, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. The holidays can be a very special time for the entire family even when things are not perfect – and they never are.
Be flexible and compromise. Compromise, compromise. Avoid getting stuck in an impasse with your ex that spoils the holidays.
If your anger threatens to intrude on celebrations, allow your love for the children to trump the impulse to express animosity toward their other parent. The best holiday gift to your children is to shield them from conflict. Let peace reign in the home and goodwill toward all the children’s relatives.
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