The many parents I have helped, women and men, express astonishment that some people demonize me, attempt to tarnish my reputation, and spread misleading and false information about my work and me. Although my supporters far outweigh my detractors, the people seeking to quiet my voice yell loudly and work hard to circulate their misinformation.
Until now I have allowed the personal attacks and gross misrepresentations to go without answer. Continue reading
When a parent talks trash about the other parent directly to the children, a common rationalization is, “My children deserve to know the truth.” You will observe that “the truth” in these situations always refers to negative comments about the other parent. Positive comments about the parent are completely absent. And, “the truth” somehow never includes anything negative about the parent doing the trash-talking.
Through such conversations children learn that one parent wants to hear only negative things about the other. Children learn to squelch expressions of pleasure they enjoyed with the other parent. Continue reading
In response to my first article on The Huffington Post, the blogosphere has seen a spate of attacks on me. Fortunately, the supporters outnumber the detractors by far.
I thank my critics for doing such a good job of calling attention to my work and to this issue. As a result of the proliferation of blog attacks, many more parents are finding the information they need to understand, prevent, and overcome their children’s rejection. This has triggered a huge demand for Divorce Poison and Welcome Back, Pluto, sales of which are skyrocketing.
I cannot think of a more effective way to get my work in the hands of the families that can most benefit. So to those detractors who yell the loudest, you have my gratitude and that of the thousands of parents and children who are victims and survivors of divorce poison.
Warshak.com offers general advice that may be useful to parents. Visit the Divorce Poison Control Center. Many of these tips come directly from parents. Others are the result of what clients and readers of my books have taught me.
Recently an alienated mother sent a tip that would make a good contribution to the DP Control Center. Rather than wait until I got around to updating that page on my website, I decided that I could place it on Plutoverse, and use that to launch a self-help section.
My intent is for parents to place their suggestions as comments to this blog post. If enough parents contribute, this could be come a valuable resource for parents struggling with the sad and difficult situations I write about in Divorce Poison. I suggest that new tips be placed as direct comments to the article (at the bottom of the page), and that comments about someone else’s tip be posted as a reply to that poster’s comment.
Here is the note that stimulated the creation of this section of Plutoverse. I am pleased to have it launch this resource and I hope other parents feel free to add their contributions. More
Family Bridges: A Workshop for Troubled and Alienated Parent-Child Relationships eases the transition when irrationally alienated children, teens, and young adults reunite with rejected parents. (The workshop is not for children who have good reasons to avoid a parent.) For the families we work with, we find it helpful to the family to declare a moratorium on discussing the past. There are many reasons for this that I present in my peer-reviewed, professional journal article that describes the program and its outcome in detail. A note from a formerly alienated mother confirms the value of a mutual moratorium on discussing the past, however frustrating and counter-intuitive this may seem.
Alienated parents who are fortunate enough to be spending part of the Thanksgiving holiday with their children should keep in mind the value of a moratorium on discussing conflictual issues. Healing can be promoted merely by being in the same room and sharing a family experience. More >
Stop Divorce Poison exposed the fallacy of assuming that both parents always contribute equally to their conflicts. When it comes to the psychology of alienated children, though, it is equally important to avoid reducing complex dynamics to a single factor.
Nearly all childhood emotional and behavior problems are multi-layered, and parent-child conflicts are no exception. The favored parent’s negative influence is the most obvious ingredient in cases where children unreasonably reject a parent. Other factors include aspects of the current and past family situation, the child’s own personality, and the rejected parent’s response to rejection. In some families, children are more apt to align with a parent who has been historically less available or whose love the children view as more tenuous and contingent upon their undiluted loyalty (defined as sharing the parent’s negative view of the other parent).
Children’s own anger, insecurities, and confusion help determine who will succumb and who will resist efforts to undermine their love and respect of a parent. Some children get fed up with non-stop bad-mouthing and end up rejecting the parent who dispenses divorce poison. Welcome Back, Pluto labels this “blowback.”
Good fictional accounts of alienated parent-child relationships capture the complexity of the problem better than advocates who, similar to alienating parents, demonize those with different opinions. For an example of such an account, see my post on In Treatment.
My hope in writing and producing Welcome Back, Pluto was to translate the ideas in my guide, Divorce Poison: How To Protect Your Family From Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing, into a format that could reach children, teens, and parents.
Alienated children do not generally recognize their rejection of a parent as a problem, unless the adults in authority do not comply with their demands to avoid a parent. So one challenge for Pluto was to interest children in learning about the problem, and motivate them to overcome it.
From the early feedback I am excited to report that it appears we have hit a home run! I figured rejected parents, therapists, lawyers, and judges would like the DVD for its even-handed and compassionate treatment of the problem. But the kids’ comments are what excite me the most.
Holidays can be times of great joy and building shared memories. They can also be times of great stress, blues, and depression. The quality of your holidays depends, in large measure, on your own behavior. Here are some tips to reduce holiday-related stress.
• Adjust your schedule to accommodate the additional activities of the holiday season.
• Set priorities and pare down your expectations of what you should do.
• Avoid comparing your situation to idealized images of what the holidays should be. Your childhood memories, or holiday songs and movies, are not the best measure of reality.
• Set reasonable limits: on what you can spend, on what you will buy your children, on how many parties you will attend. Learn to say “no” to people who are asking you to take on additional responsibilities. Remember that your children’s wishes are not your commands. If your kids think they need a certain toy to be happy, then you can bet that the toy will not bring the wished for happiness.
• Ask for help. Tell your children that the more they help, the less stressed you are, and the happier holiday they will have.
• Don’t expect to make everyone happy.
• If you have a blended family that requires several holiday celebrations, try to combine as many of these as possible, and limit the scope of the others.
• Accept reality. Be true to yourself. If you are not feeling cheery, do not fake it. If you do not like someone, don’t pretend that all is well. The pretense takes enormous emotional energy and induces more stress. (But, shield children from your animosities.)
• If you do not want to be alone on the holidays, don’t wait for someone to invite you. Take the initiative. But if you are being asked to join in festivities when you don’t feel like it, ask for understanding while declining the activity.
• Pay attention to your health. Get enough sleep. Avoid excessive amounts of coffee and alcohol. Plan time for exercise and relaxation.
For additional tips and videos on managing holiday blues and stress, and to learn the difference between holiday blues and holiday stress, click here and select General Psychology and Mental Health.
References to parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome are becoming common in decisions rendered by Courts of Appeal and Supreme Courts. Citing these decisions in legal briefs, motions, and other documents may assist trial courts in cases that raise allegations that one parent is undermining a child’s relationship with the other parent. These higher court decisions can be helpful whether making or defending against allegations of inappropriate behavior toward the children. For a discussion of these cases, organized by jurisdiction, click here.
The Huffington Post published my commentary today. Click the link at the end of this excerpt to see the full article at HuffPost. If you like it, and you have the time, it would be nice to leave a comment at the bottom of the article on HuffPost.
“Mother Theresa does not marry Saddam Hussein.” Judges and court-appointed psychologists recite this bromide when one parent complains about the other. It is meant to convey a sophisticated, balanced, it-takes-two-to-tango view of divorce-related conflict. The system labels these parents a “high-conflict couple,” and assumes that both contribute equally to their disputes. Talk show hosts blithely tell parents to stop fighting as if it is equally within each parent’s power to cease fire. Read the entire article.